Apropos of Nothing

Writing is a lonely profession (if indeed it can ever be turned into a ‘profession’). But that loneliness is somehow comforting in its own paced-ness, in its ability to protect one from the perils of the outside (some would say ‘real’) world. The pursuit, whilst thoroughly without guarantees and assurances, is still a safe one – published or not, you still have the pleasure of composition, and of knowing, eventually, that you have completed something that at least has potential, if to no one else but to you.

What this amounts to is this. I’m writing a book. I’m not wont to discuss it in detail on a public forum like this blog, but it is going to be mental health related. Many of you have inexplicably but kindly asked me if I would turn this very blog into a book, but that isn’t my plan at this stage, for two key reasons. One is the simple fact that the intended book’s concept is already very clear in my mind, and I don’t want to deviate from that while it’s so vivid. The second is that going through everything written here – post by post, word by almost-endless word – is one hell of a task to take on, especially when my mental health is still relatively fragile. I’d like to maybe do it some day, but not now. Sorry 😦

Also, you see, in doing all the factual writing of late that I have – here, and in other arenas – I realised that I hadn’t done any creative writing since…fuck, I don’t know. Since I was at school? Maybe even since my GCSEs? That’s a horrible realisation, to know that I’ve neglected a passion of mine for such a disgustingly long period. I used to love writing fiction, and I’ve only recently realised that I miss it.

So, The Book will be a fictional narrative. Whether it’ll turn out to be a novel, a novella or a short (as if!) story, I don’t yet know, but I don’t really mind whatever the case may be. I also don’t really care if anyone is willing to publish it or not; I mean, it would be lovely if someone did, that much is self-evident – but I’m doing primarily for my own pleasure. I had genuinely forgotten what escapism and what joy comes from such a simple pass time, and I’m revelling in it at the minute.

So I haven’t written much here this week, since the idea for The Book came to me. It isn’t just The Book that is keeping me away, though the other factors are still within the literary realm – I’ve been reading voraciously, planning a few pieces of non-fictional writing, and even the odd non-writing bit of so-called creativity too.

I just thought I should post something, drivelsome and dull as this is, to show you that I’m still alive, and that I’m doing relatively well. Since I cut back on the Seroquel, I haven’t been sleeping well (unsurprisingly) and have had to resort to take Zopiclone on many nights. The new neighbours and their screamer are not assisting in my quest for slumber (they keep the strangest hours, especially for a family, that I’ve ever encountered. They arrive home, child in tow, about 11.30pm, then proceed to talk half the night on the phone, child still in tow. What the fuck?). However, beyond that, I’m OK. Things aren’t amazing, and I might be slightly depressed – but I’m managing, and given everything that’s happened over the last three years, at the moment I really think that that’s good enough.

And it is three years. It’s just over three years now since I left my own little office for the last time. I noted above that writing is lonely, and it is. But having your own office, glamorous as it may sound, is lonely too, yet it doesn’t have any of the advantages that working from a laptop on your own sofa does. Nonetheless, I miss it in some ways: at least the people who worked in the offices bordering mine were, generally, good people, and were I feeling a bit lost, I could normally wander in next door and have a quick chat with them, before returning to my own quiet domain. I can’t do that when I’m sitting here typing all day.

To that end, as well as writing The Book, I’m applying for a voluntary job. I think I might have mentioned this before, but I’m finally going to do it, and whilst I’m extremely nervous, I’m also quite excited about its potential as well. I haven’t put in the application yet, but I plan to this week…and then we’ll see. At present, I’m only going to offer the organisation a few hours a week, but for the type of position I’m hoping to get, I suspect that for the moment that’s more than adequate. If not, and if it works out, and if I even get it for that matter, I might be willing to increase the hours a little bit further down the line.

I don’t know why any of you like this blog, but since some apparently do (thank you!), please be assured that none of this means I’m winding it down or anything. I’m trying to plan the final posts on Paul, and a few other bits and pieces, so you can’t get rid of me that easily 🙂 I just won’t promise that I’ll post once a week or more, as I usually try to do. We’ll see how it goes. But Confessions will remain, so worry not 🙂 This is very far from ‘goodbye’; it’s simply a boring “here’s where I’m at right now” update.

What else? The Everythinger is gone (YAY!), I’m seeing Christine on Monday, NewVCB at the start of September, and I’m probably going to re-contact Nexus some time next month to re-embark on therapy. Part of me dreads that for what I assume are obvious reasons, but mostly I feel reassured and hopeful about the potential of it, given how useful my last course with Paul was. I’m back into something of a routine now that both Aunt of Evil and The Everythinger are gone, A seems a little less stressed at work than he had been, and I’m relieved that both Daniel and CVM are both alive and well and that the stupid riots in England appear to be over.

And that’s about it really. That’s what’s been happening in Pan’s world of late. I hope your existence has been more interesting but at least equally stable, and that you’re all well and happy 🙂

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15 thoughts on “Apropos of Nothing

  1. OMG Im so excited about your book Pandora!! Please let us know when your finished it! Good luck with writing it and with the voluntary job, lookinf forward to hearing about it too! :o)

    Best wishes
    Kate

  2. I am sooooo pleased for you with this project. Please never give up hope and do it. From what i understand to wtite a book, commit yourself to day an hour a day and write ANYTHING even if its not related to your book. And if you would like someone to proofread or comment then let me know as i am happy to volunteer. Good luck!

  3. It really sounds like things are slowly but surely improving for you, which is frickin’ awesome. Having the energy to read voraciously, much less engage in recreational fiction writing, isn’t something you’ve always had (at least, since you’ve been posting to this blog), so I’m really glad to hear that all of that is coming back to you. And, it’s really terrific that you’re feeling solid enough to start doing some volunteer work.

    ::does small dance of happiness at keyboard::

    Go Pan! 🙂

  4. Pandora:

    I am very excited for you! Please let us know when the book is finished. I would be shocked if publishers would turn it down; you are an incredible writer. Okay, I understand that factual and fictional writing differ–but nevertheless, you are extremely talented, and I see no reason why you could not translate the passionate, intelligent narrative you so wonderfully exhibit here into fiction.

    As others have noted, it’s great that you’re feeling so much better. Keep at it, Pan–it will be worth it.

    Sincerely,
    Robert =]

    • By the way:

      Although I wish you much success with ‘The Book’, I sincerely do hope that you will, as suggested, write a book based on this blog. It is AWESOME! =]

      Sincerely,
      Robert =]

  5. Awesome stuff Pan! Think you’ll probably finish it before I finish mine if I’m honest. Good that the rest of things are going well for you too 🙂 Long may it continue

  6. Reading this made me feel really calm and hopeful. The first paragraph is a really healthy way to think about writing. I might pin it up somewhere!

  7. “drivelsome and dull”? never! all the very best with The Book
    good that both Aunt of Evil and The Everythinger are gone and that you can get on with your life 🙂

  8. ‘I don’t know why any of you like this blog,…’

    It always was the writing babe! There’s no shortage of mental health stuff out there – know what I mean?

    x N.

  9. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Felt so pleased for you reading this post. You may think its dull & boring but its not. Do you remember the blog carnival (thing) about hope and despair? Well surely this post gives readers of this blog that there is hope Pandora. So many of us have commented on your writing before and Im glad you are doing something about it. I know exactly what you mean about not really writing from your school days. As a teacher I often wonder why we spend so much time on creative writing when the majority of people will never do anymore as soon as they leave school. Anyway, Im glad you have the motivation to do this at the moment despite the screamer next door. All the best with the job too. ❤ x

  10. Yay! It all sounds very exciting – both the book and the voluntary work. Wishing you all the best and I look forwards to hopefully reading your book one day. Keep us posted! 🙂

    xxx

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