Notes for C

I’ve discussed in the past C’s accusations that I’m ‘aggressive’ or ‘angry’ or whatever.  I have also discussed the fact that I think that if I am these things, that I am perfectly justified in my being so, at least as regards the end of therapy and my ongoing battle with the misTrust.

I’ve been reading some of your comments, here, on Twitter and on Facebook about this matter and almost without exception you agree with me both in my right to be angry, and in that there is no way I should be discharged from therapy.  I was wondering if you would mind if I presented him with a collection of these comments.  I wouldn’t, of course, use any names, websites or any other identifying information unless you specifically requested that I do so.

I’m not stupid enough to suspect that he will take an tangible notice of any such comments, but I think it’s outrageous that he’s going around thinking I’m being unreasonable (especially when he tried to encourage me to fight the Trust back in December / January), and I want him to know that I have yet to meet anybody that would even remotely agree with his apparent position.

If anyone objects to their comment being used, please just comment here.  On the other hand, if you would like something to be included, I’m game!  Let me know.  x


28 thoughts on “Notes for C

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  5. I can’t think of anything better than consistency, and your personalities meet well, and he seems to be helpful for you. Stopping therapy with him is seeming to only cause disruption to your therapautic relationship and your hesitance in opening up to him.

    Unless he has any reasonable reason for terminating therapy with you, which there doesn’t seem to be, go persuade that therapist!

  6. Interesting idea! I agree that I don’t think he’ll hold it in high regard and likely comment on online vs ‘normal’ relationships, but it’s certainly worth a shot. Since I don’t think I’ve commented much on this topic before, I’d just like to say that I do agree with you. Everyone gets angry at times and this is a very difficult time for you, so anger should be expected and accepted as normal. On top of that, the anger is justified considering the failings of the NHS system to provide you with appropriate care (I’m not anti-NHS on the whole) and it’s hypocritical of him to encourage you to take issue with the Trust to then criticise you for it. I’d feel very betrayed if a prof did that to me.

  7. Yeah, it’s worth a shot. As someone who lurks more than comments I’d like to add my tuppence worth. It seems to me that you are in a process which is helping you to deal with truly despicable things that have happened to you. However you aren’t being allowed to continue with this process and so it can only be of incredibly limited help at best. How dare they wave in front of you the possibility of help then snatch it away?! When, in any sphere of life, does it make sense to abort a process which looks to be helpful and then calmly accept this without anger?! The Trust’s actions defy logic; C’s expectations of how you should react also do.
    I have known of getting MPs involved to help with issues regarding an individual’s mental health care. I’d be happy to write to your MP or anyone else on your behalf.

    • I have known of getting MPs involved to help with issues regarding an individual’s mental health care. I’d be happy to write to your MP or anyone else on your behalf.

      This made me cry. Thank you, Clara.

      I’m going to write to my own MP, MLAs and the local Health Minister…will let you know the details as and when I do. Thanks again, very much indeed x

      • I have written to my MP and others’ MPs before on a wide range of issues. What we have come to notice is that often volume of letters does a great deal more than eloquence.
        Happy to help in any way I can.

  8. I would *literally* jump at the chance to personally write to/speak to/advocate on your behalf to C, as someone who is a) in exactly the same therapeutic nightmare as you b) training in the KUF c) also from NI and d) loves you like crazy and wants to see this resolved … how can I help?


  9. I have begun to think of late that with some things it is better to have never had at all than to have had and then have snatched away from you. It negates any positive effects of the experience in the first place. C and the Trust should relaise the damage this could wreak upon you and thing again. Are you supposed to begin to work on your trauma memories and then just shove them back into a box somewhere and carry on as normal? The Trust (and C, by going along with themselves) should be ashamed of themselves. Please feel free to pass this along.

    “I fart in your general direction!” Maybe don’t pass that along… 😉

  10. I don’t think I’ve said anything of use but… feel free to use any of my comments.

    You have every right to be angry, I am angry on your behalf! I’m not saying I completely understand, but through my own experience of trauma and PD, I know that if you can find a good therapist, it helps no end. Terminating that positive coping strategy is not going to help you, and whether you live in Ireland, England, Iceland, Timbucktu – you are entitled to what helps you. It’s not your problem how much funding there is in your mental health trust. It’s not your problem if they’ve only allotted you a certain amount of sessions or months. You shouldn’t HAVE to be writing all these letters and arguing with snotty little management twerps who don’t know their BPD from their ABC. If you had cancer or diabetes or something like that, they wouldn’t allot you 20 insulin injections or 10 chemo sessions and tell you that you’ll just have to DEAL with it if you’re not “fixed” by then.

    Ooops. Ignore that. I’m feeling defiant today…

    outwardly x

  11. Hey hun,

    I know this isn’t the same thing, but when I broke down and told my parents about the abuse I had suffered back when I was only 13, I was sent for therapy to help me ‘get over it’ I guess. The abuse had taken up the previous 5 years or more of my childhood and yet, in a year of therapy I was supposed to be ‘cured’. The problem was, that like you, I held back on many of the memories and experiences that were just too painful to speak about. The ones that I probably most needed to speak about. So I ended up in a similar situation except I was 14, the experiences were still very fresh in my head, a can of worms had been opened, the most painful experiences were slowly starting to come to the surface, and then therapy was ended.

    I remember going to my GP and crying my eyes out telling her the last year had been helping me but I still had so much ‘stuff’ that I wanted to tell someone. Her answer? ‘You’ve had a year to talk about it, you should have done it before now, I won’t refer you back’. Fourteen years later I have still never seen that GP again, even though she still works in my practice.

    It makes me quite angry that now I am 28 years old and still have all these unresolved childhood trauma issues which could perhaps have been lessened if someone had given me the care I needed at the time. Even if this had meant extending my amount of therapy. But nobody did, and alongside my other diagnoses that I cope with, I still have a great deal of belief when I become depressed that I *deserve to be punished* and most of that spans back to my childhood.

    Sorry for yet another essay length comment, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I understand all to well how important it is for therapy to continue, especially when you have reached the point of being able to trust and open up to your therapist, and the can of worms is actually starting to open now, then therapy *must* carry on. Surely if it ends at such a point it is actually going to make the previous year of therapy a waste of time. Surely it is only going to reinforce feelings that this will never go away and never be dealt with in your head. Surely it is actually going to be detrimental to your mental health to learn to trust someone and slowly begin to open up to them, and then have that taken away?

    I know for the NHS it is all budgets and blah blah blah. And maybe other people would just accept that therapy was ending soon and walk away with saying nothing. But you are intelligent Pan and you know that this is the wrong thing to happen. So I fully back everything you are saying and doing, I do believe that you should fight for your case. If budgets and money is so important to them, then surely to God they can see that continuing therapy with C, with someone you have built a therapeutic relationship with and trust, is the most ‘economical’ way of spending their money. Do they think that once you are discharged then all of the trauma you have been through is just going to magically go away before you have really got to the core of it with C? Surely they can see you are a high risk of requiring further help and support anyway?!?!

    Sorry for ranting, and apologies again for another gigantic comment, this whole issue makes me mad. We spend so long trying to get the correct help that we need, as human beings who are vulnerable with trauma issues and mental health issues; and it seems so often like they can’t wait to get us into therapy and out the door again in the quickest turnaround speed possible!

    Best of luck Pan, I support you all the way!!xx

  12. I know I am coming in late to this discussion so forgive my lack of detail (I am planning on going back and reading the posts), but for now I wanted to throw in my two cents. To start off you are definitely justified in being angry; the therapist is there to help you, regardless of what they say or believe. About two years ago, I had a friend who was seeing a therapist for social issues. Said therapist would sit there the entire meeting and not say a word, this went on for 10 weeks, before my friend came to me for advice. I told him what I am going to tell you: confront your therapist with you thoughts, feelings, angers and emotions and let them know that what they are doing is counter productive. They are there to help you!!

    And yes, I think it might be advantageous to provide your therapist with some of the comments and posts you have received to show them the damage they are causing. None of us needs to go through any more hell then we already have. And its bullshit these people feel like they can push us aside as if we were nothing.

    I completely agree with what MCBL said. Do what needs to be done, and just remember you are not alone in this battle, having been through numerous PsyDocs and therapists who had varying responses to my Manic-Depression, I have seen the affect negativity can have on one’s progress.

    Stay Strong,


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      • He’s outlined his feelings about your internet relationships, and I think he’d feel ambushed and undermined by it. Also, you are capable of speaking for yourself, you don’t need people to back you up, even if it does lend more weight to your position. Therapy should be between you and him, I think- it is FOR you, not for us, and I think apart from comment and support, other people shouldn’t be involved in it. I just think it will backfire if you do it.

  14. Is it possible that it isn’t that you aren’t justified in your anger, but that he feels that there may be more rewarding responses than anger?

    • Not only is it possible, it’s probable. However, it is irrelevant if he thinks that because I do not experience any of the ‘more rewarding’ responses. I can, intellectually, probably list a few – but I don’t agree with them nor do I feel them.

  15. I don’t understand why he thinks your anger and frustration is not justified. I thought he couldn’t help the ending of this more than you could.

    I’m afraid for you, that he’d shrug it off saying it’s just your online peoplez. From what I heard online friendships don’t count much for him, do they?

  16. very late comment to conversation, and no time (its three am here!) to properly read other, sorry. But this I do know. He could easily know you have a right to be angry simply and only because of being left in the lurch, AND also, he may see a vein or thread in you that does seem aggressive to him in the beginning.
    I have read all of your blog. I have tremendous respect for C. as a therapist, having been to many myself and have had many less capable ones and a few better ones. I cannot imagine that he does not know that what he is being asked to do (end with you) is not theraputic for you. It is hard for me to imagine he thinks its for your best. Its hard for me to imagine that he thinks you should not be angry at the system. Are you SURE he thinks you should not be angry? (asked directly). Agression is a particular way of expressing anger. I wonder if you have asked him exactly what aspects of things he finds aggressive.

    You are so threatened right now and anyone in your shoes would be. I am GLAD for you that you have this fight in you. I am impressed…it shows me you still have a life force somehow. I wonder if you need to make him talk more about exactly what he means about aggression, tell him how you have taken his talk about it.
    I think you may be having a disconnect.
    Its hard to imagine a decent therapist not considering your level of anger completely justified. I expect he’s getting at how its expressed, perhaps habitually. I say this as one who is tempermentally very assertive and when threatened it can lapse over I suspect to aggression probably much more than you. I’ve read your letters it seems sublte. He wants you to get what you need…sometimes to do that you need to be softer and kiss ass more.
    those are just my thoughts
    but any comment I say use them. He’ll then ask you why you felt the need to justify self you of course know.
    gosh I’d be enraged at your situation I’d not have the ablitity to not have it creep into my communications.

  17. addendum: not better ones than C (therapists). But better than the sucky ones Have never had one as good as he seems for you, really. Not that he’s god all right you are wrong no way.
    so…if he does actually mean what you feel he means, I agree with what I see above…
    and you feelings and anger as I said is more than understandable normal legit
    also wanted to provide for possiblity you both are having disconnect…can’t be sure about that

  18. cPTSD, but especially BPD has foundational attachment and abandonnement issues as you know. The system defacto is abandonning you and they are in denial of the reality of that truth because they think they are giving you other support that is the “same”.
    I have a feeling that one problem you may have is your intelligence and what you think other people can be expected to understand and perceive. I wonder if you get into trouble by expecting things to be as obvious to others as to you (not realizing in moment they are not…not talking about C but system people) I am as smart or more perceptive than alot of my medical providers, and occasionally both,, but not as smart as you are but I still struggle with my expectations of others and the medical system (any system runs at level of lowest part, no?).. Things are obvious to me…unfainesesses, lack of rational, not getting care I need, how things should be done…because of my acute perception. I automatically think it must be obvious to others, and therefore feel especially disgusted (I feel like they don’t really care) when it is not that, its more they dont’ have the insight. Right now even, I have doc on my voicemail saying she doesn’t “want to keep calling me” (in same call she owns trying my phone twice only) and wonders why I feel I can’t call her in an emergency and feel alone and left in the lurch. Enraging.
    People within a system can’t see its flaws…hardest to see flaws from inside. I find if you point it out with any lack of sympathy or understanding most people will think its you not them.

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