It’s been an odd few days in the world of SI (as if it ever isn’t). There is stuff I probably should write about, but as of yet I do not feel that I am at liberty to do so. Suffice to say for now, I’ve been experiencing a lot of mixed episodes, which are fucking completely with my head. Looking at my iPhone mood chart, there has been a lot more mania (along with depression) since my change in medication, and as such I feel that it seems likely that Venlafaxine is to blame. Apparently this is common in people with bipolar who take anti-depressants intended for very severe depression. The problem is that of course BPD is felt by Dr C, my psychiatrist, as being the more dominant disorder in me.
A cursory search online suggests that the “solution” to this, if that is even close to the right term, is not to discontinue the use of the anti-depressants, but to add mood stabilisers to the medication mix. w00t. NICE advise against this in the use of BPD, but since I also have bipolar II, it might have to be an option. I am seeing Dr C again on 27 July, so it’ll be fun to see what she makes of it all then…
Anyhow, my mother confessed to me the other day that she has told Aunt of Evil, Georgie*, that I am “away” during Georgie’s visit to Northern Ireland. This will be the first time I’ve been “away” whilst still at home. In other words, my ma lied to her sister. (* See contextual posts here ((latter portion)), here ((latter portion)) and here).
In fairness, I appreciate that if I want to explain my reasoning for not seeing Georgie then it is only fair that it is me that does so. The problem is between Georgie and me, and has nothing to do with my mother. It was simply easier for her to make this bullshit up to Georgie.
Apparently, though, Georgie worked it out. My mother forwarded me this paragraph from an email exchange between the two of them:
I’m sorry that we’ll not see SI, but I’m not surprised that she doesn’t care about seeing us. The last time she saw us was a very hurtful time for her [around V’s death and its aftermath] and she wouldn’t want to be reminded of that. We can just hope and pray that by the next time she sees us, she will be able to understand that we didn’t intend hurt to her – in fact, just the reverse. It’s extremely difficult for us to be in this in-between situation, not intending hurt to anyone but causing it nevertheless.
Part of me thinks this is reasonable enough, but part of it continues to annoy me, as yet again she bleats on and on about how hard things are for them. Maybe so, but what is the relevance of that statement? Having this knowledge does not benefit my mother nor I in any way.
Additionally, she still believes my disdain for her and her family relates directly to V’s will. Certainly, I think they behaved appallingly in that regard, but it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.
Furthermore, I have no belief that they intended to hurt me. I just think they behaved like fuckwits.
I finally decided that it was time for me to wade into the discussion. It was partly to prevent my mother having to explain the situation; it was also partly because I know my mother will fuck up the story. Anyway, this is what I sent Georgie.
I have been advised that you have been informed that I will be “away” during your time in Northern Ireland. Please be aware that this is not the case.
I do understand, however, that you have mostly worked this out. I should like to clarify a few matters that you appear to have misunderstood. You clearly opine that my lack of interest in meeting you whilst you are in this country is predicated entirely around the death and will of VA [ie. V]. This is not the case.
The reality is that unfortunately we have absolutely nothing in common except the luck of a genetic draw. We share no beliefs, thoughts or outlooks whatsoever. My view is that your family’s behaviour surrounding V’s will was simply a further illustration of something that has always been the case (ie. our wholly divergent outlook on life). It is not a reason for my unwillingness to meet you in and of itself.
I would also like to add that any speculation or discussion on my ongoing mental health issues is not an appropriate conversation for any of my family to engage in without my express permission, especially in my absence or via means that do not include me. I thank you in advance for respecting my wishes on this matter. If it is of comfort for you to be aware of these illnesses, then be advised that as well as depression and anxiety, I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar II disorder. There are a significant variety of contributory factors to these.
I do not wish to cause familial problems; however, I feel that more problems would be caused than solved by a meeting between us.
I wish you a pleasant trip. Please do not reply to this email.
I went ahead and sent it, after brief consultation with A. Now I feel guilty and even sorry for her, even though I hate her. Rationally, I think meeting her would be problematic. Rationally, I think the matter did need to be brought into the open. Rationally, I think my email is fairly reasonable, if rather cold and unfeeling. But my irrational mind’s endless desire to feel sorry for people and things that have no reason to be pitied has once again rared its pathetic head.
Well, too late to do anything about it now anyway. The email has been dispatched and I am sure I will receive a running commentary on the matter from Mum when Georgie arrives.