I am very, very, very fucking angry.
I am supposed to have gone to bed but came to the computer just to print something for C before doing so, and accidentally stumbled across something that has incensed me more than I have been in a long time.
I have made brief reference to Georgie and MA in the USA. Georgie is my mother’s sister and MA my father’s brother. They have one son, CA.
V died in 2007 of his chronic MS or something. I don’t really know and I really don’t care what the exact circumstances were.
In the wake of his death, he left all his money (not at all insubstantial due to all the long-term benefits he’d been receiving) to CA, CA’s bint and their brats. Absolutely nothing was left to either my mother or me. What was insulting about this was not that V did it – V was a wanker, so I didn’t expect any better of him. What was insulting was that CA accepted it, and that his parents were accepting of this. Apparently, this was justified on the grounds that CA was fulfilling a dying man’s wish.
Georgie admitted to me that CA was not aware of the full circumstances of V’s abuse, whinging that it was “so hard” to admit to “one’s son that one’s own flesh and blood could do such heinous things”. Boofuckinghoo. What was especially annoying was that CA and especially his slut felt so piteous of V, and this infuriated me, as he was a cunt who did not deserve any attention, no less pity. So I told CA the entire circumstances myself. It was mainly to stir shit, I admit. I was really angry with Georgie (and MA) for not providing CA and wife with all the information and thus leaving him blind in terms of making a decision as to his view on V.
CA emailed back saying that he and HAA, his wife, were “mostly aware of the circumstances,” having inferred them from titbits of information he’d garnered over the years. This infuriated me even more, as they were mostly cognisant of events, yet they still felt pity for V.
All these cunts (Georgie, MA, CA, HAA) purport to be Christians and seem to me to justify just about any action on the grounds that it is the fucking will of God.
The above is a brief summary. I could write more, but then I will get into an entire post about it, which is not what I want at this time of night, especially when there is C in the morning. I am writing this because I need your advice on how to proceed.
Basically, my mother decided some months ago that my various mental health issues (the ones of which she is aware, anyhow) were suitable information to be shared with the family, including GfuckingA, whom I have always despised due to her patronising of me, her proselytising at me, her constant whinging about my weight, her “advice” on my depression (her interfering, in short).
Well, Mummy Dearest was very clever and left her email client running tonight when I came her to print the thing for C. And lo and behold wasn’t this fucking shite staring back at me, from Georgie. The bolded parts especially disgust me, but it is all horrendous:
“I’m truly sorry that SI is feeling so bad but I’m glad that at long last she is seeing someone. Hopefully since she likes this psychologist, he will be able to help her. I am really sorry that things after V”s death only made matters worse. That’s what you, M and I were all afraid would happen. [Cos you always know best, fuckface.] I feel in a very awkward position since C was the one V left money to. Actually, the situation caused C great, great anxiety too. [Boohoo. Good.] It is only recently that I found out that he agonized and agonized over the situation after he found out how V had left things. The last thing he wanted to do was cause conflict with you and SI. It was so bad that he had panic attacks over it and had to go to the doctor, but he never even let me know, as he didn’t want me and M to worry. Sometimes I do wish that SI would have gone to see her father. Although I have no proof, of course, I think he didn’t even remember that he had a daughter. It was only with prompting that he remembered who I was [I wish I could have inherited some of his selective amnesia, bitchfuck] and he had known me when he had a young mind. Really his mind was totally shot in the last few years of his life. If she had seen him like that, she might have been able to forgive him, as she would have seen that he was no longer the person who had done all the terrible things to you and her. Forgiveness is a central thing in our well-being. When Jesus said for us to forgive people, it was not for the benefit of those we forgive, but rather for our benefit. Otherwise, we are locked in a spiral of anger and bitterness that eats away at us. And, of course, how we feel doesn’t impact the other person one bit, either positive or negative. If we could bring down punishment on them by not forgiving, it might help us a bit by giving us a feeling of justice, but that doesn’t happen. It isn’t easy to truly forgive, but I have found out the hard way that if I can forgive, it lifts a huge burden off me. In any case, both M and I are wishing SI the best, regardless of what she feels about us.”
Well, fuck me fucking sideways with an eight-legged duck wearing a strap-on. WHO THE FUCKING FUCK DOES THE SANCTIMONIOUS OLD CUNT THINK SHE IS?
How dare she wank on about God and forgiveness? How fucking dare she? How fucking fucking fucking fucking dare she?!!!!!!!!! I cannot articulate how much I wish harm and malevolence on her.
I stormed into the living room and ranted at my mother for engaging in these conversations. She accused me of snooping, which is not the case at all. She should learn how to work a fucking computer if she doesn’t want her emails exposed.
I don’t blame V for forgetting about her. I wish I could have selective amnesia about the old cunt too. She misses the point entirely too that I am not so much angry with V about the will, but them, although admittedly she seems to grasp that elsewhere.
It offends me greatly that she feels she has the requisite moral high ground to feel in a position to patronise me (indirectly, admittedly) about forgiveness. V did not and does not deserve my forgiveness. I do not want to forgive him. If that eats me up inside, so be it. I would rather be bitter for the rest of my life than even contemplate what she is suggesting. As I have admitted, I miss the father I never had. But I do not feel that V could ever have been worthy of my forgiveness, regardless of how decrepit or ill he may have been.
In any case, it is a different issue. Their handling of the will was what my mother had seemingly been referring to, not my attitudes towards V. It is their fault, not V’s.
I appreciate that this might sound irrational to readers, but as I say, I have only summarised the story. They handled it entirely and wholly inappropriately, and the most offensive thing of all is that they can’t even recognise it. And they will still expect me to behave like the perfect little fucking niece when they visit Norn Iron next month, regardless of what they think I think about them.
I am strongly fighting the urge to respond to this. I want to tell her (in as calm, diplomatic but assertive terms as possible) what she can do with her concept of forgiveness, and how insulting I find it that she feels I ought to forgive V and everyone else.
Basically, I was thinking something along these lines:
I understand that you have been communicating with my mother in relation to my mental health problems. I would like to make clear to you, as I have done to her, that these issues are of a private nature, except where I choose for them to be otherwise, and are thus not a suitable discussion for you and her to conduct via email or any other media.
Before you leave the issue entirely, however, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that I find it an indictment of both myself and my mother that you opine that I should have visited V prior to his demise. I find it especially insulting that you feel he was worthy of my forgiveness, and that I am causing myself harm by wishing to not engage in such a process. To be honest with you, I would rather be bitter for the rest of my life than even contemplate what you are suggesting, and frankly V is only part of the problem. In broad terms, whilst I am still dealing with residual issues pertaining to V, I broadly see him as an irrelevance and the fact that you believe his influence is so much stronger than it is demonstrates quite clearly to me that you know not of what you speak.
I am sure you and your God have plenty more choice words on the matter, but I would recommend that they are shared only between you and He and not me nor anyone else in our family circle.
Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Not only has this whole matter angered me intensely (as if you couldn’t tell), it has deeply distressed me. Currently experiencing panic-mania-worry-freak-out-thing.
I need your advice, readers. Please help. Please, please tell me what I should do. Should I stand up for myself or let it pass? I don’t know what to do. Why is my family such a complicated mess? Why do I share genes with these people? Someone just let me die.
(Please forgive any spelling, grammatical, syntax, punctuation errors or poor choice of words in the foregoing. As you can probably tell I have been writing this in a frenzy and thus my typing, probably much like my mind, is not in any way rational).
UPDATE: Response from A. Do you agree? Am I being unreasonable?