I don’t know what to write. I can’t write anything meaningful, but I wanted to write something. Things seemed better for a while last week (apart from Tuesday evening), and I thought I’d mostly gotten over the adjustment to my increased dose of Venlafaxine. Indeed I was back on my normal daily dose of Quetiapine [...]
Since I got the new laptop, I’ve been doing a bit of drawing on it. Let’s be clear about this: my drawings are really shit. I am never going to be an artist, nor do I have any such delusional aspirations. Nevertheless, it’s an outlet for expression when words don’t seem to cut it, and [...]
The stupid dissociation scales once again featured at the opening of my session with C on Thursday 6 May. After last week advising me that he intended to examine them in detail and discuss them with me at the end of this session, he had then changed his mind, admitting (subtly) that he was perhaps [...]
…Almost literally? Designed using Wordle. Not the best evening I’ve had. Cannot stop ruminating, as the above probably attests. Alas.
I often get the impression that my mother relives her experiences of domestic violence at the hands of my father vicariously through me. I don’t mean that in the sense that she necessarily has visions of me knocking seven bells out of her, or that she sees my face when she recalls violent incidents, but [...]
Wasn’t it 1992 that the Queen said was her annus horribilis? Well, let’s fast forward 17 years to now, New Year’s Eve, 2009. This year has turned out to be the annus horribilis of your humble narrator – mostly. I’ve been on the brink of sectioning on a number of occasions, the brink of suicide [...]
…has been fucking awful. I had a complete psychotic break on Christmas Night after the stress of engaging with the MMcFs (and in particular Paedo) all day and heard ‘They’ telling me to kill Marcus. Obvioulsly I didn’t. I also told A, apparently believing completely, that ScumFan was a drug-dealer (he’s not) and that A [...]
I alluded briefly to the fact that I find Christmas a profoundly difficult time of year the other week. I have hated the day and all its build-up since, I would guess, my early teens. I still do, and I rationalise it on the grounds that it is a commercialised load of crap borne purely [...]
The best-selling text written on borderline to date is a book called I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, by Jerold Kreisman. I am struck by how much that title applies to this weeks session with C, which was fraught. Fraught fraught fraught. In a way, given parts of the post regarding last week’s session and [...]
Thursday was fucking traumatic, a state of affairs of which you are probably aware given my citation of the disturbing imagery of Metallica’s Until It Sleeps that evening. You’ll have seen on that post that my iPod was reading my mind again in playing it – and other songs on similarly dark themes – but [...]
The iPod has been acting as a mindreader again. I’m not in the habit of doing this as this blog is mine; my life, in my words. However, sometimes others just say it (whatever ‘it’ is) better than me, and this is very much one such occasion. So, ladies and gents, I give you the [...]
The phenomenon of Stockholm Syndrome has been bandied about a lot in the media recently, in the wake of the Jaycee Lee Dugard abduction and, to a lesser extent, in discussion of the Fritzl case (though I am not sure to what extent Elisabeth Fritzl was affected by it). There is a particularly good article, [...]
Dear C Previous meetings, specifically that of today (Thursday 29 October), refer. I should like to enquire as to what you feel that the mandate of our work together is. It has been my long-held understanding that the point of psychotherapy is to improve the mental health and emotional difficulties of the personnel that the [...]
I have been incredibly good recently and haven’t self-harmed for about a fortnight. That’s good going for me since May. That does not mean it isn’t on my mind, though. I think about it almost all the time – well, either self-harm or suicide. As things stand right now, it isn’t about feeling pain, or [...]
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