I saw my consultant psychiatrist, NewVCB, for the second time this morning, an appointment that I’d been dreading for days.  Even though my first encounter with her back in January had gone without any significant hitch, and even though I had established on that occasion that she was not as formidably intimidating as OldVCB, I [...]

TRIGGER WARNING – If you hadn’t guessed from the title, this post contains a number of references to child sexual abuse in varying degrees of detail.  Please, please be careful if you think this material may trigger you.  Take care, Pan x
I received a text message from my cousin SMcF early this afternoon to report [...]

Things were so much improved on Thursday from what they had been the week before.  I think C’s mood and / or attitude was better than it had been, and I was feeling considerably more sane than I have of late, so between the two of us, the whole session felt a lot more productive.  [...]

Things are going more and more downhill in session.  Every one over the last few weeks seems to end up brimming over with hostility and defensiveness from both sides, and last week was no different.  I think he is finding me an increasingly difficult patient.  I am certainly finding negotiation of the therapeutic relationship increasingly [...]

Apparently I wrote this epic gem of a post on Thursday, post-C. It reminds me of a diatribe that A wrote to his friend W whilst in the early, very bleak years of his long university career:
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck it all,
My fucking life.
Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck it all,
My fucking dick.
Here is [...]

This hardly even warrants an entry, but in my obsession for complete records of my psychotherapy with C, I am going to write at least a rudimentary account of it anyway.
The reason it doesn’t merit a post is not so much because it was a useless session – though in some ways it was – [...]

In the last few days the title of this blog has become something of a misnomer.  Ha – no, I’m hugely playing it down in saying that – it is a complete misnomer.  I am not anything even remotely approaching an insomniac.  I am afflicted with a severe case of hypersomnia, sleeping as I have [...]

Right. Red Bull substitute imbibed; chocolate, #jaffacakes and sweets ingested; curtains open for the first time in days. I’ve been hopelessly procrastinating in an attempt to avoid writing this – not because it’s a particularly difficult entry, just because the inertia and black dog of yesterday are very much still in evidence. [...]

Even though it’s just a litany of whining misery and suicidal self-hatred, I’ve really become rather fond of this blog. I’ve certainly put a lot of work into both its content and, since the move to a self-hosted Wordpress domain, its aesthetics. I even invested money in moving it to its own domain, [...]

*** STANDARD TRIGGER WARNING: POSSIBLY TRIGGERING MATERIAL IS UPCOMING; I HEREBY ADVISE YOU AGAINST READING IT IF YOU FEEL THAT IT MAY SET YOU OFF…BUT I KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO READ IT ANYWAY, SO THAT’S A BIT POINTLESS, BUT I PROBABLY LIKE YOU BECAUSE I LIKE EVERYONE THAT I KNOW READS THIS DRIVEL, SO PLEASE [...]