I am (barely) recovering, thanks to the chemical assistance of Diazepam, from the worst anxiety attack I’ve suffered in months. One minute I was sitting here minding my own business, the next I could barely breathe. What triggered it? It’s stupid, really. All that happened was that A decided he would clear out two big [...]
Today’s session with C was one of the oddest I’ve had. It’s kind of hard to articulate exactly why. I was experiencing acute senses of depersonalisation and derealisation, for no reason that I can discern. I didn’t really feel anything throughout the entire 50 minutes. I know I spend all my time with C trying [...]
The below is a list of symptoms that I have experienced since starting to take Venlafaxine (75mg) from 15 June. It is redacted in places, for either personal reasons or to help the ‘flow’ of this post, but essentially this is from a list I have been maintaining with the intention of showing Dr C [...]
01 Jul2009
I have noticed a pattern of behaviour in myself of late that follows the rules of attacking someone (verbally), defending myself for said attack and/or against their perceived attack on me and then becoming submissive to said person in the form of apology or begging them not to desert me. This was evident to some [...]
Today sucks ram and ass bollocks. My range of happy experiences since last night are the delightful following: The fabulous agitated depression * Severe depersonalisation Paranoia Anxiety (of course) Insomnia (what a surprise) Racing and disjointed thoughts (related to, or a symptom of, the agitated depression, naturally) Physical restlessness – rocking back and forth, desire [...]
17 Jun2009
One of Dr C‘s minions phoned yesterday to report that an appointment has been made for me this Friday at 9.30am. Aside from being frightened of nasty Dr C and the possibility of yet another panel interview-esque meeting with her and Dr N, I am kind of angry. I was referred to a psychiatrist in [...]
14 Jun2009
I started writing the below on Thursday straight after C, but completely lost momentum at the bit where I was talking about telling C about my iPhone mood tracking from Tuesday. I intended to write more on Friday, but that most horrible and frightening of things, real life, interfered. On Thursday night, I received word [...]
Last night, I had my first real episode of (negative) mania and loss of lucidity since the birthday party incident. Well, strictly speaking it was this morning – shortly after 2.30am, during a fairly typical night of insomnia. I was in a frenzy, though the physical manifestations of it can’t have been that strong, as [...]
06 Jun2009
After my epic rant about Georgie and her familial cunts on Wednesday night / Thursday morning, I spent some time trying to calm myself by re-reading the DBT material from C. It wasn’t so much about finding coping techniques to deal with my anger, but I needed something tangible to distract myself, and since I [...]
ScumFan McF phoned me this morning to advise that he had passed his driving test. He is 19. Generally ScumFan and I get along well and always have done. I was genuinely delighted for him. But could I just have been pleased for him? Oh nooooooo. What would be the fun in that?! My narcissism [...]
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