Yet another day with two posts. Sorry. In short, she is better than her predecessor, though as W said to me this morning, she could hardly be much worse. In fairness to OldVCB, I had come round to her a little before our relationship was severed, but nevertheless, I am not exactly sorry to see [...]
Wasn’t it 1992 that the Queen said was her annus horribilis? Well, let’s fast forward 17 years to now, New Year’s Eve, 2009. This year has turned out to be the annus horribilis of your humble narrator – mostly. I’ve been on the brink of sectioning on a number of occasions, the brink of suicide [...]
I feel I should say a few more words in addition to the last post. Firstly, thank you all for your concern – to those that commented here, contacted me through Twitter or indeed those that contacted me directly. I am OK, and all the better for your concern, for which I am extremely grateful. [...]
Tonight, as I was editing the ‘About‘ page briefly, I was reminded that I had mentioned my pathetic little fantasy world there, but that I’d never discussed it in detail elsewhere on the blog. Well – I’m not about to. I don’t think I’ll reveal the specifics of it to anyone, ever. But I will [...]
Owing to the pain of this – - I’ve been somewhat in absentia from the blogosphere recently. Was this gash – which is actually worse than the above suggests, being as it was nearly a removed-tip-of-finger – deliberate? Was it fuck! I even commented on the annoying irony of this on Twitter. On Saturday the [...]
It’s funny how really small things in therapy catch your attention sometimes. Today, he called me by my name at one point, which he never does except to call me in from the waiting room. I also noticed him bring out a bottle of still water from his briefcase at one point, which struck me [...]
I am sure that one does not require the IQ of Einstein or his counterparts to work out, from the last post, that bleakness, futility and utter self-disgust presently permeate my existence. There were precipitating factors, but I am not prepared to discuss them in any detail here. I do keep this blog primarily for [...]
I don’t hate this bizarre relationship because I hate C – quite the opposite today, as it happens, but I’ll get to that later. What I hate is the power this one individual can have over me; he has the power to make me go about smiling, or, alternatively, to leave his office seriously contemplating [...]
I’ve mentioned the voice quite a bit lately, but I haven’t really gone into any detail about it. Largely, that’s because there’s not really a great deal about him to discuss. Still, I thought I’d make my best effort, as quite clearly hearing voices represents psychosis (or at least something odd), which clearly does not [...]
Well, fuck me, but didn’t the VCB actually manage to bother her arse seeing me today. Will wonders ever cease?! I took my Mum with me to the horrible, dilapidated, thoroughly depressing place as I wanted VCB to see that I was nervous about seeing her. And was I nervous, oh yes. I had had [...]
As you know, I’ve been on holiday, and as you also know, I promised I would go into more detail about the three mental health appointments I had in the days that preceded my departure. I had started this post well before going to Turkey, but despite my claim that I’d finish it on the [...]
The below is a list of symptoms that I have experienced since starting to take Venlafaxine (75mg) from 15 June. It is redacted in places, for either personal reasons or to help the ‘flow’ of this post, but essentially this is from a list I have been maintaining with the intention of showing Dr C [...]
This week has sucked, and I am glad it is nearing its completion. I’m actually in a fairly good mood now as I write this, but it’s the first day that I have actually felt that right from getting up. As you will know from Monday’s post, I’d been in bad form regarding the fucked-up [...]
I told him everything. Everything I could think of. I told him about the hanging attempt, and the self-harm of the same weekend. I told him about the carving of ‘HATE’ onto my stomach. I told him about the delusions I’ve experienced lately. I told him how I almost obsessively read pro-suicide newsgroups on the [...]
Or at least if he is, he did not tell me so, and he is still having supervision sessions with his boss so it doesn’t look like he’s going any time soon! To be honest I didn’t mention my irrational fear to him about him leaving (that I expressed yesterday), but I am fairly sure [...]
I have noticed a pattern of behaviour in myself of late that follows the rules of attacking someone (verbally), defending myself for said attack and/or against their perceived attack on me and then becoming submissive to said person in the form of apology or begging them not to desert me. This was evident to some [...]
One of Dr C‘s minions phoned yesterday to report that an appointment has been made for me this Friday at 9.30am. Aside from being frightened of nasty Dr C and the possibility of yet another panel interview-esque meeting with her and Dr N, I am kind of angry. I was referred to a psychiatrist in [...]
I started writing the below on Thursday straight after C, but completely lost momentum at the bit where I was talking about telling C about my iPhone mood tracking from Tuesday. I intended to write more on Friday, but that most horrible and frightening of things, real life, interfered. On Thursday night, I received word [...]
Last night, I had my first real episode of (negative) mania and loss of lucidity since the birthday party incident. Well, strictly speaking it was this morning – shortly after 2.30am, during a fairly typical night of insomnia. I was in a frenzy, though the physical manifestations of it can’t have been that strong, as [...]
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