In the beginning, the computer functioned normally and efficiently. Although there were some malicious attacks directed against it, its firewall initially worked well, deflecting some and making sure the worst of the others was hidden deep in the computer’s hard-drive. The computer was responsive, hard-working and quick to process all tasks that it was assigned. [...]
Well…I don’t really hate this blog. As I’ve said several times, it is in fact my pride and joy – or, at least, what has gone before has made up what I call my pride and joy. I don’t feel very proud or very joyful at the minute, though it’s not the blog’s fault, obviously; [...]
Hahaha! Didn’t see this coming, did you Mr Director-Person? In all seriousness I don’t really expect it to do any good, but you never know. A friend of mine, through contacting her MP about the failures in her mental health care, did receive some very positive results, so it’s got to be worth a try. At [...]
I’ve discussed in the past C’s accusations that I’m ‘aggressive’ or ‘angry’ or whatever. I have also discussed the fact that I think that if I am these things, that I am perfectly justified in my being so, at least as regards the end of therapy and my ongoing battle with the misTrust. I’ve been [...]
This post follows on from the extraordinarily thrilling events detailed in the entry that immediately precedes it. The following may make no sense if you have not read them. It may also may no sense if you have. Then again, they were so tremendously exciting that if you read or have read them, you might die of a hedonism-induced heart attack, so proceed with caution. Alternatively you might die of a boredom-induced heart attack so, again, proceed with caution. [...]
I was bricking myself about this session with C, after his apparent transference-related realisations at the end of the last meeting. I don’t want to tell him I want him to hold me, stroke my hair, soothingly kiss my forehead and softly whisper protective words in my ear. I mean, who would want to reveal such intimate and one-sided desires? [...]
Apologies for the delay in the third post in this series; we had something of a disrupted week last week and last night represented A’s first chance to explore these issues. In this post, we’re talking about the direct impact on him of my illnesses, history of trauma and current treatments. Q: On a day [...]
This could be difficult to write about. C has, I think, worked out things that I didn’t want him to work out, and which is he is going to bring up at the next session [now already passed - I have been writing this bollocks on and off for 83 eons]. I hate this. I [...]
I want to smash my face in. I’m absolutely useless. I keep going to write ‘proper’ posts here (I still have two about therapy to catch up with, plus others), but I manage to throw 50 words onto the page, realise they’re all bollocks, get distracted and then mentally scream, “fuck it,” and abandon the [...]
The Post-CAB One I will write about yesterday’s gruesome appointment with the Citizens’ Advice Bureau in due course. All the context that is required for this post is that I have added ‘Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder’ as well as clinical depression, BPD, yadda yadda yadda to my DLA form. I was asked why by the [...]
I have been trying to review last week’s session with C in my usual detail, but I’ve had a very stressful day (gruesome CAB appointment, and much Disraeli trouble ) and that, coupled with my ungraciously low mood and lethargy of late, has left me weak and defeated. I’m going to eat and try writing [...]
It’s a long time since I’ve written about C, and in light of that this post relates to a session way back on 17 June. I actually missed one meeting – the first one I’ve ever cancelled in the whole year-ish of therapy – on 24 June, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I was [...]
I don’t know what to write. I can’t write anything meaningful, but I wanted to write something. Things seemed better for a while last week (apart from Tuesday evening), and I thought I’d mostly gotten over the adjustment to my increased dose of Venlafaxine. Indeed I was back on my normal daily dose of Quetiapine [...]
A few weeks ago I despaired as to how I would ever face my uncle again. After hallucinating him and being harassed extensively by ‘They’ in the wake of dealing with my sexual abuse issues in therapy, I was convinced – as were my psychiatrist, psychologist and GP – that seeing him in person would [...]
It was recently suggested that, particularly in writing this blog, I am a navel-gazing, diagnosis-obsessed, wallower. I suppose that I am, in fairness. Most of what I write here is long-winded negativity that probably doesn’t help any readers who feel that they are genuinely progressing to the fabled state of recovery. I have never been, [...]
Pandora’s partner, A, discusses her psychotic and dissociative episodes, and how he has curiously found these instances less frustrating than her periods of depression. [...]
I am (barely) recovering, thanks to the chemical assistance of Diazepam, from the worst anxiety attack I’ve suffered in months. One minute I was sitting here minding my own business, the next I could barely breathe. What triggered it? It’s stupid, really. All that happened was that A decided he would clear out two big [...]
I deal with a set of symptoms representing the diagnoses of BPD, C-PTSD, clinical depression and social anxiety on a daily basis. I fall victim to the nefarious antagonists of psychotic and dissociative episodes with more frequency than I would care for (although I must hat-tip the efficacy of Seroquel in decreasing the former, having [...]
I was a complete bitch to C last week. I just sat there and insulted him for about half the session – perhaps more – and he didn’t really deserve any of it. It’s not his fault he has to abandon me at the end of the summer, and even though my rants weren’t necessarily [...]
I suppose I was in a strange mood last Thursday morning. What has been the case of late is that I don’t sleep well on Wednesday nights – ooh, surprise sur-bloody-prise – so when I arise the next morning, I pour an overdose of caffeine into my bloodstream, in the form of both coffee and [...]
Since I got the new laptop, I’ve been doing a bit of drawing on it. Let’s be clear about this: my drawings are really shit. I am never going to be an artist, nor do I have any such delusional aspirations. Nevertheless, it’s an outlet for expression when words don’t seem to cut it, and [...]
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