A little vignette for you.
I’m wearing the same black dress tomorrow to Maisie’s funeral that I wore to the awards ceremony back in November (what a varied experience that dress will have had in its short life). Unfortunately, I didn’t have a jacket to go with it, nor did I have an appropriate pair of shoes (I don’t get this ‘thing’ women are alleged to have with shoes. I wear a comfortable pair of boots for almost everything. Still, they’re tatty and would not go down well at a funeral; nor, indeed, would the preposterous high heels I wore to the awards, not that I can stand on those fuckers anyway). I ergo drove to the shops this evening in an attempt to procure these apparently requisite items. Having succeeded in said endeavour, I finally went into Boots to obtain steri-strips and scar-reducing plasters, thanks to an as-yet-undiscussed-on-this-blog incident of self-harm last weekend (I blame my GP’s “surgery” for completely fucking up my Lamictal prescription. Wankers).
As I was dithering in the first aid aisle, I spotted this:
I was alone in the area, which is fortunate, because, initial head-cocking completed, I visibly started at this product. “Pre-cut knee application”, it said. What the fuck?!
I crouched down and examined it more closely. I even squinted at it to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks with me. But yep, it really did say “pre-cut”.
I was aware that my facial features were contorted into an expression of complete and utter astonishment. I mean, I liked the idea – but I thought it was shockingly niche at the same time. Too niche, surely, for a mainstream, walk-in shop.
My mind asked the following questions:
- Could a well-known and respected pharmaceutical giant such as Boots really allow themselves to stock – and therefore endorse – a product designed specifically to aid a self-injurer in advance of an act of self-injury?
- The knee thing. Why were the manufacturers so sure that you’d want to cut yourself on your knee? I’ve never self-harmed on my knee. Have you?!
- The bandage is suitable for “two to three day wear”. Surely you’d need to take it off sooner than that to attend to the wound you’d inflicted upon your poor knee?
- As I left the shop, I wondered why it was called a “bandage”. Surely anything you would use in preparation for an act of self-harm could not be a bandage? Are you meant to wear it for “two to three” days in advance of an act of self-harm, so that it does something fancy to your skin to stop scarring/bleeding/dying/vampirism/whatever? Is that what they meant when they alluded to the “two to three day wear”?
- Assuming that the bandage were to be worn in advance of an act of self-harm, aren’t they catering to a even more niche market? I mean, I know a lot of us do plan cutting and other injuries – but two or three days in advance?! Surely there can only be a very small demographic of cutters to whom that would apply?
I got into the car, where A was waiting for me. I apprised him of the details of the bandage, then raised my afore-listed concerns and queries about it.
Imagine my surprise when he threw back his head and started laughing.
“Well, I suppose it is kind of darkly funny to have such a thing on the market, but…” I started.
“No, you idiot,” he laughed. “It’s pre-cut!”
“Yes, that’s what I said…”
“It’s a bandage that has been pre-cut in advance of your fucking purchase! It itself has been cut by the manufacturers to a certain size to support existing knee injuries!”
…
…
…
Oh.
For someone with a high IQ, I can be remarkably ditzy. DUH!!!
As noted sagely in the title, this is when you know you’re a self-harmer.
—
As noted briefly above, it’s Maisie’s funeral tomorrow. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I’m not looking forward to it, and – entirely selfishly as usual – I’m particularly concerned about seeing Aunt of Evil (who arrived surprisingly quickly, which is the reason I managed to stay at home, rather than remain comfortingly at my mother’s, for the last two days). I’m not sure when I’ll be able to detail tomorrow’s events (should they merit detailing), or discuss the back-story to her death, but I’ll update you all as soon as I can.
Thanks to all of you that have commented here, tweeted, emailed or whatever. I know I’m toss at responding but I do read everything and I appreciate it all greatly. Thanks for being there for me. xxx
Thinking of you hun xx
I was in Boots a couple of days ago getting tubular bandages for my legs (ive managed to cause myself tibia stress fractures, long story) and i saw these same supports. I too, albeit briefly! Wondered why such a product would be made if not for self harmers!! At first the audacity to publicise this behaviour on Boots shelves took me by surprise, but then i thought i was all special, being catered to n all (blush), have previously sh on knee, its easy to pass off, i do alot of sports, go figure.
Easy mistake to make, we see the world thru different eyes. Hope everything goes as smoothly as it can at the funeral.
This made me chuckle, Pan. I’m pleased to see you retain your humor in light of everything else that’s going on for you at this time.
Good luck for tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Robert =]
That really made me laugh thanks sweetie. I hope the funeral goes as well as it can and that difficult family members stay in a special difficult family members area that doesn’t come close to you.
Thinking of you xxxx
I have to say that I was with A on this one BUT I absolutely get the mindset. When you have a background of self-injury and even just other mental things, you see the world very differently. I know that from experience. I think it’s ok to laugh about it sometimes though…
I am above all else thinking of you and what you’ll be dealing with. You’re strong Pan. Don’t let anyone make you do a damn thing you don’t want to do!
This made me giggle too:) Will be thinking about you. Take care. Ash <3 xxx
I am sorry for you and your family’s loss Pan. I’ll be thinking of you later today.
Ahahaha. Sorry, reading this had my reaction something along the lines of what A’s reaction was. I did enjoy the story though! x
This is probably a strange time to delurk, but just wanted to say I hope the funeral and family time go as okay as they possibly can for you. Take care.
Now I’ll go back to quietly reading your archives.
I would also like to delurk to say I hope the funeral is as least stressful as possible. And that I have done the same thing in Boots before – not with that product, something else years ago. When you’re in that sort of frame of mind everything seems relevant!
Best of luck
I agree with the stranger- keeping your humour at a time like this is great!! Funny anecedote Pan
)
Will be thinking of you today- it’s a complicated and potentially triggering day for you on top of the grief you must be feeling. But as someone said your strong. You can get through it.
I am really sorry for your loss and your family’s.
Good luck and take care
Best wishes
Kate
I read it just like you did – didn’t twig at all until you got to A’s explanation.
Hope you’re OK, hun: thinking of you. x
Ha! Yeah, I knew what the package meant, but the general principle applies. [pushes thick black-frame coke-bottle glasses back up the bridge of his nose, fiddles with his pocket protector] The culture of the self-harmer, our creation of a world that makes sense to us, both inside the individual’s head and in the sociological structure created by our interaction, demands that we will sometimes almost unaccountably understand little things here and there in a radically different context than the majority culture. It is the point on which so many “funny foreigner” jokes and comedies pivot. [doesn't notice that his fly is open...Glaven!]
Pissing myself at this! I wish I had have been in the car with A when you told him.
Thinking of you.
x
I did this with a pineapple last week!
It had instructions on the label entitled ‘how to cut’, I thought ooh, err, thats a bit off!
Tehe!