This week is going to be the fullest mentalist-related week I’ve had since September 2009. Today, I saw Paul (week 18). Tomorrow, I will meet my newly allocated CPN Christine for the first time. On Wednesday, apparently, I have to see NewVCB. I should have booked Lovely GP in on Thursday to complete the fucking set.
Someone called my mobile at 10am today. I ignored it, as I always do, especially given that it was from an ‘unknown’ number. I waited for the caller to leave a voice message, but same was not forthcoming. When they (for I presumed it to be the same person) rang again about 11.30am, I once again ignored it. This time, however, a message was left.
It was a secretary from the CMHT. She didn’t say what she wanted – only that she would like me to call her back. Thinking the CPN was off with ebola or something, I was happy to do so for once in my sorry life. I think that, in theory, Christine ought to be useful, but I’m still terrified of meeting her.
Anyhow, no such luck. The call had nothing to do with Christine; it was a request for me to come and see NewVCB on Wednesday morning.
This is annoying in a couple of ways. Firstly, there’s enough professional madness this week to do me for about seven years, especially when coupled with the stress of someone new in the equation. Secondly, though, I am irritated by NewVCB’s general behaviour. When I last saw her, she wanted to see me again in a fortnight (which, given the circumstances of the time, seemed reasonable). Then I received the usual shite letter telling me my next appointment with her was on 6 April – about a month after our previous meeting. That was unacceptable, but nonetheless, I let it pass.
Now this. It’s as if she thinks she can just summon me whenever she gets a cancellation, or she remembers that I exist (fortunately for her, of course, though perhaps less fortunately for me, I do exist. If I had done myself in after her failure to see me as agreed, then she might have found herself in a spot of bother).
Anyway. I’ll live, more’s the pity (actually, I’m in a fair frame of mind at the minute, but you know what I mean). A’s boss, Trevor, has very kindly allowed him time off to come to the CPN meeting with me tomorrow, as I’m terrified of going alone to engage with this new, unfamiliar quantity of humanity. Ordinarily, I’d have taken my mother, but she’s fucked herself off on a continental golfing holiday until Saturday. Fortunately for me, Trevor has a son who is mental, so he understands the difficult position that A is in.
This post was not, however, intended to be a general rant/update. It was intended to be about Paul. I shall try to get to the point.
My intention is to employ (relative) brevity in this post. Bear in mind that brevity, for me, is 3,000 sodding words per therapy session. So if it seems long, then let’s just hope that it’s not really 
This session was characterised quite frequently by silence. I found this to be an unproductive use of both my time and Paul’s, and by the end of the session was apologising for it. To quote him, though, I was forcibly silent as a child, so apparently this is permissible. In any case, there was still a lot of relevant interaction.
Themes:
- I told him about how unbearably, inexorably depressed I was, and had been. This session was in the wake of all that fuck with the Jobs and Benefits bellends, and shortly prior to my proposed dalliance with a helium canister.
- I also told him briefly about my medical notes, and about how I allegedly have “very strong narcissistic traits”. Paul said that he felt that I was the opposite of a narcissist, an analysis with which I didn’t agree. I said that I was self-obsessed and fantastical, and that I basically told (Old)VCB that I had NPD. He responded by saying that she must simply have taken my word for it, because there is – in his mind – no evidence for it at all.
- Apparently he is scared of personality disorder diagnoses, as they create pigeonholes for that which should be seen as perfectly normal in the context of historic abuse. I don’t entirely agree with this position, but I do think there is a certain merit in what he says. I admitted to being very frustrated to not have any official, written acknowledgement of a PTSD diagnosis,especially when BPD was splattered all over my fucking file. Once again, I found myself reminded of Seaneen‘s fitting comments: to paraphrase, the ‘good’ abuse survivor gets PTSD, the ‘bad’ gets BPD. I admitted to Paul that I felt like some mere ‘case’ or ‘number’ within NHS services, whereas I felt like a person with him at Nexus. He seemed pleased, and said that he enjoyed spending time with me. I don’t understand that particular plane of reality, but there you have it.
- His view, predictably, is that there isn’t something wrong with me; I have very extreme coping and defence mechanisms as a result of very extreme experiences. He pointed out that people with NPD need to be worshipped all the time, whereas I actively and instinctively cower away at the first hint of a compliment. Paul said that Paedo made me ‘horrible’ and ‘evil’ (in my mind), and that was clearly not what narcissists think of themselves, at least at a conscious level. I accused myself of “inverted narcissism”; yes, I was (am) highly self-critical, but I don’t have any altruism in me at all. I’m selfish and, further, self-obsessed, even if I’m not desirous of being put on someone’s misguided pedestal. He said that that isn’t true: my perceptions of myself in this light are clouded by the toxicity that Paedo has planted in my head.
- He asked why he had never seen my psychotic symptoms in session. I kept my gob shut for ages on that one, as I had loads of psychodynamic explanations therefore, but knew I’d be asked to stop turning the therapy into an academic debate if I voiced them. Eventually, I muttered something about it being “some sort of weird transferential shit,” a description that seemed to amuse him substantially. I continued by saying that I didn’t want to be seen as psychotic, but that in my very saying so I felt tremendously guilty, because no one should be ashamed of having a mental illness. “I want to be seen to be in control,” I concluded.
- Paul said that my hallucinations are ‘contained’ (a word I loathe) in therapy, and that “the weird transferential shit” was indeed responsible for that. My transference towards him reflects my past needs, which is then of course met with his counter-transference. He postulated the position that I needed someone to essentially be nice to me, which he then did (‘nice’ being my word here, which grates on me, as it’s so fucking trite and inadequate. Nonetheless, I cannot think of something more descriptive and/or appropriate for that which I am trying to convey). My unconscious fear, therefore, would be that ‘They‘ wing themselves out of my mind and into my vocal chords, insulting and hating Paul, at which point he will no longer be nice to be. Of course, in reality Paul would have a fucking field day with ‘They’, and there is no danger of him abandoning or discharging me if they happen to show up. But that, I am told, is an adult reading of the situation. The child part of myself merely sees herself as being constantly rejected, and cannot fathom that she is safe from that happening again.
- Somehow the meeting turned to a question of who I am really am. He said that I was certainly intelligent and analytical, characteristics that I seek to amplify, but that he felt that somewhere there was more to it. I responded by saying that anything other than intelligence and analysis was profoundly weak and of course he jumped on this straightaway; I do not (usually) cry or openly show fear, anger, etc etc because my abused child self realised very quickly that (a) it achieved the sum total of fuck all, and (b) that it was easier to just quietly ride out the storm of rape and degradation without complaint.
- This led to a rudimentary analysis of my first (known) experience of penetrative rape, in which I was “instantly changed forever,” apparently. Paul alluded to the fact that my behaviour in its immediate aftermath – even something as simple as walking – should have been noted to have been strange by my care-givers, and that it wasn’t. I protested that this was not my mother’s fault, for it seemed to be primarily her he was on about (my father was probably drunk in some ditch somewhere, so he wasn’t exactly much use). Again, Paul told me that this was my adult head talking. The abused child just wanted her mother to comfort and protect her, he claimed.
- I conceded the point, but then added that no one tells you when you’re a little kid that adults aren’t meant to have sex with you. You’re generally not meant to understand anything about sex (although I did have some vague knowledge of it), so you aren’t ever going to be party to that information. To that end, you don’t know that the paedophile’s behaviour is in any way wrong, and the whole situation becomes normalised.
- I said that I couldn’t connect to the sadness that I should feel. Paul contends that this is because it would threaten to overwhelm me completely. On the occasions on which I begin to get close to it, I withdraw into my own world – I dissociate, I hallucinate and I self-harm, because anything is better than the enormity of the feeling.
- He asked me how I felt our work was progressing, and I responded by saying that overall, I thought things were going well, but that I wished I could speed up myself up in terms of ‘feeling’. I talk much more openly to Paul about my abusive history than I ever did with C (though if I had not done what I did do with C, maybe I would not have been able to get to this point), but I still dance around things an awful lot. He knows this, of course. He said that he found working with me “challenging” because of my innate abilities to deflect any potentially threatening material, but added that he “enjoyed a challenge”. He wonders if I unconsciously protect him in some way (as I did with C in the early days of our relationship), and I think there is some truth to this hypothesis. Everything I can say to him will be something he’s heard before but perhaps he hasn’t heard it from such an evil bitch? Will my disgusting, fetid nature poison his mind? If so, he must be shielded from it. Yadda yadda. He said that whatever the case, he genuinely enjoyed my company.
Someone commented on the blog a few weeks ago that Paul’s willingness to compliment me at times was vaguely disturbing to her (amongst other things). Given his broadly dynamic/analytical standpoint, I can certainly see the rationale for holding that view. However, any time he does this, it is not done in an inappropriate or intense sort of fashion at all. I think the thing I didn’t realise about therapy until recently is that some therapists are just like some other people and that they’re not extraordinary, all-powerful alchemists or something – they’re actually just ordinary, and they’re just nice. They’re friendly. They put personality and client welfare before supposed best practice, at least within certain appropriate relationships. Such is the case with Paul.
It is such a different experience from the one I had with C. Through no fault of C’s particularly, things with him were inherently asymmetrical, and I sometimes wonder if it was that that allowed the breeding of my complete and probably desperately unhealthy obsession with him. I am not in any way obsessed with Paul, and I’m beginning to feel that that’s really quite beneficial (although I haven’t always thought so). We feel like equals – not as friends as such, but at least two people who can be honest and direct with each other. The only one-sidedness of it is that he is there to help me, and I can’t return the favour in any way, other than to donate £20 to his employers once a week.
I will review week 16 done as soon as possible. Of course, with this week being as ridiculously full of mentalness as it is, I will have a fuck of a lot to write about. Así es la vida, and anyway it’s my fault for being too fucking lazy to have written even this until now. I’ll write something tomorrow, regardless of which hopefully-maker-of-sanity-professional may be the subject…
Great post. I like Paul.
New Post: Equality and The ‘Opposite’ of Narcissism – Paul: Week 15 http://bit.ly/fHiKRu #borderline #PTSD
I really like this guy. He seems to be good for you.
I’m glad that Paul is still being a compassionate, intelligent human being and helping you continue to move toward healing. I hope the week goes fast.
Take care, dear.
Hi Pandora -I have a question/concern regarding Paul’s interpretations and I wonder what you think of them sometimes. It seems to me that he always -or nearly always- interprets your thoughts/behaviors/feelings as related to the abuse. I know it is trauma therapy, but my concern is that he is seeing everything through that lens and not allowing for other possible interpretations, at least in certain circumstances. For example, in the session of this latest post, he attributed your silence to being kept silent as a child. But there are many many reasons why one might become silent in session. I have noticed many such examples in your therapy with Paul -where, one possible interpretation would be to attribute a certain thought process/behavior/feeling to the abuse, but there could also be other interpretations, which he doesn’t seem to entertain. Obviously the abuse has affected you enormously and in many many ways, but you -who you are, your personality, your varied behaviors/thoughts/feeling- are not ALL necessarily attributable to the abuse. Taking the silence example, perhaps you were silent because you were thinking something over, perhaps because you were uncomfortable saying something on your mind, perhaps your mind went blank, whatever. I think your therapy with Paul has been enormously helpful and he is very good for you (although, ultimately, you are the best judge of that), but this has been the one thing that has concerned me throughout. Perhaps, in a way, there is no corner of you that has not been affected by the abuse in one way or another, but this doesn’t mean that all of your thoughts/feelings/behaviors in and out of session are all directly (consciously or unconsciously) attributable to the abuse per se. I would just hate for him to ignore other parts/aspects of you and your experience in the here and now as well as the past, in focusing so relentlentlessly -in his interpretations- on the abuse, rather than perhaps having a more open mind to other possibilities -at times, anyway. Sometimes, of course, I’m sure he’s right, but I think other times perhaps he is being short-sighted and short-changing the WHOLE of you in some ways, by limiting his interpretations in such a way. Again, I know it’s trauma therapy, but I think his responsibility too is to see and acknowledge and treat the whole of you, in all of your complexity, in all of your experience and psyche both related to and not related to the abuse. Have you noticed this? Is this something that has concerned you?
Actually, it has been on occasion, yes. When C used to do the same – using very Freudian interpretations and whatnot – I used to pull out the phrase, fuck off, psychology
One thing he said that A and I actually laughed at (to be detailed in later sessions) is that my self-stabbing is “very sexual”. Paul sees it as almost a direct metaphor of rape. I don’t, although today for example he did have quite a reasonable explanation for this.
Today was actually a more interesting session than many, in the sense we really talked very little about the sex abuse, and much more about my relationships with my parents. Both of us felt it very productive, and I like that he is open to more wide-ranging discussion. Of course, Nexus exists to counsel people with histories of rape and/or sexual abuse, but I sometimes worry that my case is complex. Was the sex abuse the single most traumatic set of events in my life? Yeah, probably it was, but as you say, it’s not wholly and utterly defining. There are other things to me, for other reasons.
As this session was about a month ago, I don’t remember why I was silent, but you rightly note that it could have been for a number of unrelated reasons. In his defence, his comment was precipitated by my accusing myself of “childish silence”, so maybe he read something into that. Whatever the case, although I don’t think he thinks everything comes back to the abuse per se, he reminds me sometimes of a (more likeable) modern day Freud. Everything has a cause, nothing is forgotten, blah blah blah. Some of it is fine, some of it is to mind my ridiculously overblown speculation – but I suppose I’m no psychologist. Maybe everything really is so insanely interconnected. It just seems a bit far-fetched for me.
Either way, overall, I think we’re (as in you and I) are on the same wavelength here. I think some of his approaches can be a little over-reliant on this one aspect of my life, but luckily the positives of working with him far outweigh any negatives. It is interesting and helpful to sit back and take stock, though
Another vote for liking Paul.
I can’t imagine having been through the shit that happened to you, but I’d be surprised if you *didn’t* have PTSD! So true about ‘good’ versus ‘bad’ survivors and PTDS versus BPD.
Take care x
I too wish to add my vote for ‘liking’ Paul.
In lay-man’s terms the very opportunity to reflect on the cause and effect of our behaviours is useful when guided by a rational professional, I certainly end up coming to illogical conclusions (sometimes subconsiously) when I try and find ways to cope with things that have happened in my life. I am finding it useful on a basic level to have someone counter those thoughts I have and suggest reasons for them, along with alternative viewpoints. It puts a new thought in this silly brain of mine. I presume a new neural pathway is created. Either way, I think all of the discussions are beneficial as a diffent opinion if offered. Paul suggests how the abuse has affected you, in his opinion. This acts as a counter to your thoughts that you were somehow ‘evil’ and suchlike. You have no doubt read other accounts of abuse ‘survivors’ and admit you think what they went through was awful, they didn’t deserve it etc. You have said that about them but don’t appear to apply same compassion to yourself. I think if Paul can help you do so it will be worthwhile.
Take care x
Another Paul fan here.
One thing I’ve found in my (limited) psychoanalytic therapy so far is that there are often multiple reasons for things. I tend to know what my “in the moment” reasons for e.g. being silent are, but my therapist comes up with other explanations, he looks for a theme and a pattern throughout my life and a childhood origin. I’d say about 50% of what he comes up with I think is bullshit at the time, but later, having mulled things over, I come to see some truth in a lot of it. It’s a very weird and interesting kind of therapy but it seems to be suiting me (unfortunately I’m now coming to the end of my assessment sessions and have to go on the waiting list for ongoing treatment).
Good luck with your remaining appointments this week. Do you think maybe NewVCB realised she’d screwed up by not seeing you in a fortnight and so squeezed you in at the last minute? I hope your CPN is nice.
Moon Tree x
Lot of love for Paul going on so far, which means that mine is probably going to be a dissenting voice amidst.
Ok, where to begin?
There is nothing ‘wrong’. Then what the hell do you need to see him for? Yeah this may be pedantry but if nothing was wrong you’d be able to go through life without needing the care you’re currently receiving. Sure it’s ‘normal’ for someone who went through what you did to have issues but then it’d be just as well saying it’s ‘not unusual’ for this to be the case.
You’re not a narcissist. To be honest, I couldn’t say one way or another as I don’t know you that well, but then as a reluctant narcissist (I accept the diagnosis for myself, I just don’t ike it) I can say that Pauls understanding of narcissism is deeply flawed. Do I look for praise? No, I’m actually very self deprecating when it comes to compliments. An example, I was at work and stopped someone from making a potentially costly mistake (£100,000 estimated) and one of the top guys saw it, came to see me and complimented me about my actions. I can’t express how embarassed I was, I really didn’t understand what the fuss was about, I was just doing my job. Do I think I’m evil? Umm, yeah, kinda. I know I was raised as a good person but I know I do some very bad things and can be incredibly manipulative of people (quite possibly my worst trait) which certainly proved fun in hospital (staff only).
Personally I’d like you to ask Paul what he gets out of your sessions, what he gets out of his job in total, as he displays far more narcissism than you appear to. Don’t get me wrong, this can be a good thing as you both seem to enjoy pushing each other further and further.
Hmm, maybe not the best idea to ask him, kinda manipulative of me (towards him). Ho hum, I think that the sessions do you good and that the inherent desire to analyse and categorize etc should try to be left at the door, as Paul suggests. God (should he/she/it exist) knows it’s not fun overthinking things so much.
In fairness, as I see it, he opines that it’s not that there’s nothing wrong in my day-to-day existence: clearly there is. I suffer from depression, anxiety, psychosis, etc etc etc, so yeah. There must be.
What he means is that, to him, it is not an illness; merely a reaction to serious events. I don’t agree with the hypothesis – in my view, if anything becomes serious enough to be considered clinical, then it is an illness. But then I buy into the medical model, at least in part, whereas so many out there (clearly Paul included) do not. I don’t agree, but I do see where he is coming from.
I think that to be fair, what you described at work seems inconsistent to me with NPD, though I know I’m no expert.
As I understand it, pathological narcissism grows from deep self-hatred and/or insecurity, but to such an extent that that is then psychologically buried very deeply. I think perhaps high-functioning narcissists can realise that intellectually, but (and forgive my text-booking here, especially when you have direct experience and I only partly do) the DSM does wank on about their constant need for external recognition, praise and admiration. They’re also usually arrogant and haughty.
There was certainly a time when I was “arrogant and haughty”. I still can be, but am generally not. Obviously as noted in the post, I don’t really like praise etc, except maybe on a wider level (I’d like to be published some time, for example, which would be a nice piece of external validation).
I don’t know you well either, obviously, but your NPD diagnosis surprises me greatly. Maybe it’s like BPD – some folks branch into ‘typical’ behaviours, whereas others (like you and me) may still meet the symptomatic criteria for diagnosis, but think and behave very atypically compared to the stereotypes.
You’re right about the example, it’s weak and I withdraw it.
Narcissism is about self image, the ability to self edit so that others see you in the way you want them to. As I alluded to I did this in hospital and managed to get further than was safe for me, it was automatic. If you go towards the Wikipedia definition (I tried everywhere else but it was extremely lacking in info) then it’s a definition which fits me rather well. No, this isn’t me saying it fits me, I’d rather it didn’t, but this is from those who know me reading it and going ‘Yeah…. yeah…. HELL YEAH!’. And yes it was damn uncomfortable hearing it.
I dunno, maybe I’m just out of sorts atm. Uurrgghh, never mind.
It just strikes me as a weird diagnosis for you, Null. I’m not arguing that you don’t meet the DSM criteria – maybe you do – but you come here, you offer views, suggestions etc, but you don’t blather on about yourself all the time, and don’t shy away from debate that may disagree with you. You don’t seem to need everybody to think you’re outstanding (although wouldn’t that be lovely for all of us!) or whatever.
I think your definition of narcissism is very apt, and I can certainly see myself in it. Perhaps you portray yourself as something other than you are when you comment here or speak to me on Twitter – I suppose that’s the point you’re making – but if it’s a facade, then it’s a pretty successful one
I value your input and commentary.
fortunately for me it was a psychologist who made the diagnosis, reinforced by people who know me.
Beyond that I can’t comment as, I gotta be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable talking about it. Dunno, why you value my input, all I say is what I think.
Btw, it’s curious how I’m split between hating myself intensely and thinking I’m pretty damn good. Go figure
That’s the point. I appreciate your directness.
Is that a good quality?
On a side note, how small do these reply boxes get?
I think directness is a good quality, yes. I know some folks (not you) that can do it with a complete lack of diplomacy (eg. some tosser last week on my old ‘Fuck You, BPD!’ post), but in and of itself, I’d far rather have it than sycophancy (not that I believe any commentators here are guilty of that, to be clear – but I’ve seen it a lot in my so-called real life)
And the comment boxes grow smaller…
…and smaller…
Just wanted to say I was interested to read your exchange about NPD. I too was given that diagnosis last January (2010) when I was in hospital. I was horrified and vehemently campaigned against it and it was actually withdrawn pending further analysis by a psychologist, but now I am back in therapy I am wondering what conclusions this further analysis is drawing. I don’t exhibit many of the characteristics listed in the DMV/ICD10 but I am definitely guilty of self-censor and presenting different sides of myself to people and trying to control how people see me. There is also plenty of evidence to suggest I had a problematic relationship with my mum in particular in terms of emotions/empathy and I did generally grow up feeling “unwanted”.
…and you can even do this with them too!
How much longer do you hve left with Paul?
The short answer is that I don’t know. When I first approached Nexus, they said about 26 weeks, but I know in other charities that the recommended number of weeks can vary. So I’m hoping it may be longer, but I really don’t know. Yesterday was week 18, so only leaves a remaining eight weeks if they stick to their time limit strictly
I think that if anyone is going to Benz the rules, it would be Paul, but I just don’t know. I really hope so.
I hope so too *hugs*.
Have you talked about this with Paul? Because the end of therapy with C really hurt for you and I hope that the end of stuff with Paul is less painful.
I really like Paul, he seems, to me at least, to be exactly what you need. I’m sorry it’s so time-limited.
Sorry for the teeny tiny comment.
Sorry I’m late to this Pan. I kind of see Gabys point about Paul equating everything with the abuse- very Freudian as you say- but as long as you’re happy for the most part that’s the main thing.
You used to write about C and say things like ‘I laughed at him’ or ‘sneered at him’- didn’t you even once throw something (a small thing!”!) at him? Yet you just seem to _talk_ to Paul, and get on with him. Which is brilliant. I did like C but the way he ended up treating you was deplorable, at least Paul has behaved consistently and even though what he’s doing is probably retraumatising you to an extent, he seems to make you feel more secure and strong about than C did. C became a bit dismissive of your concerns in the end, you medical records seem to suggest that, esp his claim that all the mindfulness nonsense was helpful.
Anyway enough of my rambling!! I hope the meeting with Christine went better than expected?
Best wishes
Kate
Ha! Very well remembered. I threw my glasses at him once
(It was towards his feet, but still…)
I completely agree about ‘mindfulness’. It’s an utter pile of steaming, triply-fermented ejaculate, and I’m stunned that after a year and a bit with him that he still didn’t realise that I thought that. For him to have written in my discharge letter that it was in any way helpful was complete fabrication, simple as that. *sigh*
As ever, Pandora, this is a very interesting analysis.
Firstly, I would add myself to the Fans Of Paul List =]
That said, I think Nullfuture and Gaby both make fair points. I know you are no fan of the anti-psychiatry lobby, and I do wonder just how strong Paul’s anti-psychiatry credentials are. A disagreement on the issue need not inform your relationship greatly–differences of opinion are natural between humans, after all, it’s what keeps life interesting–but, assuming adherence to the medical model, then you *are* ill. Not that that is ‘wrong’, of course. Just that a combination of a number of factors–including chemistry, or differing brain functionality from the rest of the populace–have led you to your current position.
As for Gaby’s point, I had observed this too. Now, this is a tricky one for me–I’m not a Psychologist, but I did study Psychology extensively in my Freshman year, a little less so as a Sophomore. Certain academics and writers in history certainly agree with Paul’s perspective that everything is connected–you’ve referenced Freud a couple of times, and of course he’s considered the “father” of this in many respects. As you’ll no doubt be aware, he observed in his early works on “hysteria” that the symptoms correlated with what we would now term “trauma”. Although for political reasons, he later dismissed this theory, we basically accept it as truth today.
As well (and again you’ll know this), he saw most human behavior as ultimately driven by repressed sexualized desire–even in infants. Add it all together, and Freudian theory applied to your circumstances = Paul’s approach, a probably academically sound one in many circles (though, that said, very different from standard psychoanalysis).
I don’t know what I think. I do adhere to Freud’s philosophies–to a point. And here’s where we can draw biology in again–you’re a product of genetics that invariably shape your character–and environment, such as your parents, peers, physical location etc, which invariably shape your character too. Sexual abuse is of course an environmental factor–a *huge* one–but you went to school, you had friends (I think?), IIRC you live in a town or village (as opposed to somewhere very rural, or even very urban), etc etc–there is (and was) more to you than *just* abuse.
And of course you have psychological factors too. Sometimes I wondered if these aren’t shaped by the two aforementioned, but whatever the case, I believe in a rounded approach.
To finally get to my point–I think what Paul is doing with you is great, and in the main, his tactics are productive and sensible. I think all I mean (after all that!) is that it seems fair to take some of his literalizm and examples of direct correlations with a little pinch of salt. Much of what you say *is* connected to your abuse, and that will inform how he responds to you, especially as this is trauma therapy. But there are wider considerations, too.
Sorry for writing so damn much–again!
Sincerely
Robert =]
Paul reminds me of my first (and only male) therapist. He was genuinely caring and concerned, and it was almost funny watching his jaw drop when I’d talk about a particularly painful experience. He was good at demonstrating just how wrong he thought the behavior of the Four Reasons for my being there were.
You write:
I conceded the point, but then added that no one tells you when you’re a little kid that adults aren’t meant to have sex with you. You’re generally not meant to understand anything about sex (although I did have some vague knowledge of it), so you aren’t ever going to be party to that information.
These days, kids are taught in kindergarden or thereabouts, that they don’t have to let anyone touch them if they don’t want it, that their privates are theirs, and not anyone else’s to handle. I told my son when he was showing signs of playing with himself that it was okay to do that, and he should do that in private, since it bothers some people.
I also managed to work out the difference between “good” secrets and “bad” ones. Good secrets are temporary/have time limits–like birthday surprises, and they make should people happy when they are revealed. Bad secrets are to be held forever, they make you feel uncomfortable, and there’s usually a threat to harm attached to them. I said that no matter what anyone said about never telling, you should come to us or another adult you do trust, and tell us/them about it, because that’s a sign of a bad secret. Long about there, I told him that if he ever felt uncomfortable around/about anyone who was a guest in the house, he could tell us tell us at any time, and we would handle it, even if it meant that the person was not welcome here again.
I have too many friends who were raped as kids by someone known to the family. I wanted to make sure my son would not join that number.