I seem to spend half my time on this blog and on Twitter criticising her for her occasional bad points, but I so rarely acknowledge the goodness in her. My father tortured her for over 20 years, and her life hasn’t been a bed of roses since either, not entirely but at least in large part down to me.
I never know how to tell her that I love her. She’s nearly 70 and I don’t think she knows. Sometimes I wish I was more tactile and ostensibly ‘feeling’ so as I could tell her, but it seems to beyond my grasp. How pathetic.
She deserved a better life than my father gave her, and she deserves more appreciation from me for who she is and for what she’s done. Life is finite and I spend half my own existence in a state of raw terror every time I phone her and she doesn’t answer that she’s dead. That’s bad enough, but it would be me that would have to deal with the hideous consequences of it. I probably couldn’t do it, but that’s another matter. But what wouldn’t be fair to her would be for her to die and not know much she was loved, valued and appreciated by me.
I hope I have lots of time left with her, but I don’t know if I can ever be the person that I should be – the person that is capable of genuinely expressing my love to her, because that’s all she’s ever really hoped for in return for all she’s done for me.
But I’m pathetic.
You’re not pathetic. I think a lot of people are the same way, I know I am.
Firstly, you’re not pathetic. Plenty of people find it difficult to show emotion. I find it really hard and subsequently find it difficult to get close to people. Also, when you’ve experienced early trauma in your life it makes tactility even harder because it can be difficult to trust people and express your affection with hugs and words. You’re not alone in struggling with this.
You aren’t pathetic at all! Making yourself that vulnerable to another person, whether its your mum or anybody else is fucking hard! Maybe you could write her a letter? Or some other kind of gesture like (i know this sounds lame) giving her a teddy with “i love you” written on it. So you dont have to say the words out loud. Just a few suggestions, you may not agree but you most certainly are not pathetic! I give my mum alot of shit and she had a pretty horrific marriage to my father herself. I do tell her i love her but not nearly as much as i should. I should tell her every single day but it is hard.
You are a good person, and im sure she would never die without realising you love her very much, even if you never get to say it to her!
Hugs xxx
Mums have a way of knowing how their children feel even when they don’t outwardly show it. I think your mum probably knows you well enough to know how much you love her. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I think that sometimes the older we get, the more difficult it is to tell other adults(like our parents/other family members) that we love them. x Ash
Pan I had to cringe because I said the other day that I didn’t like that she demanded to read your notes and I’m sorry for that. That may have been some major projecting on my part because my mom is and was hideous.
I have a suggestion on how to tell your mother that you love her in a way that may be more tolerable to you. Or maybe it won’t be. I have trouble telling my husband how much I love him even though he tells me all the time and shows it too. So my suggestion? A card. I’m serious. Find a card, whether it’s serious or humorous. You’re an amazing writer, trust me, the very opposite of pathetic. Maybe you could express your feelings with the written word instead of verbally or physically. Or you could keep it simple and just find a card and send it to her. It would give her something to kepp, to look at when she wants to and it would be…something. Maybe you would feel better too.
Sometimes a card can be powerful because it meant the person took the effort to go to a store, find something with a message for them and then got up to send it in the mail. It can mean something.
Please don’t apologise tai – everything you said was true; I don’t think she should have forced me to hand over the thing either.
I just felt bad because I’m always writing here about her burying her head in the sand re: the abuse and I vent on Twitter about how she often frustrates me. So in those ways she isn’t a perfect person, but who is I suppose? I just kept remembering how she held my hand yesterday and how some folks, like your good self, have horrible mothers – or those who had great ones, but have lost them
So I felt I had to at least acknowledge that my mother is mostly lovely.
Nothing to cringe about or feel sorry for at all, my friend
P x
I completely get where you’re coming from with this, and it’s really hard to let people know or even acknowledge to ourselves how much we actually value those who are often the first people we lash out at when we feel let down by our life and feel really desperate. I think writing her a card, or a well thought-out letter, or maybe even arranging, I don’t know, a manicure or some sort of little treat for her would possibly help open the door to further discussions with your mum ref how much you love her. Xxxx
I agree with tal’s idea about the card. You seem to find writing easier than speaking.
*hugs*
i don’t want to say this because it might mean my white coats are right. but…. is there anything you aren’t being honest about here? of course everything you’ve said is true. but equally (or at least to some degree) you’ve said a lot of ‘true’ things which aren’t really real for some/all of you/all of the time. Most of my reading so far on bpd/attachment is via references cited in Oliver Jame’s They F You Up and as a polemic you have to be careful about what inferences he claims from the research findings. plus, there’s the psycho zeitgesit thing about women/mothers being A BAD THING. that said….. ok, this is well and truly devil’s advocate territory. you were screwed about monstrously as a wee thing. and you know your mum was too. but the whole ‘baby looks to its mother for protection’ concept would have ‘them’ suggesting you are actually conflicted; that you needed protection and your mum didn’t give it so that means you’ve got a fucked up view of your self/the world/your mum. i feel dirty just writing this. those cretinous assholes in the pscyh establishment have enough control already. but sometimes you have to try out their logic just so you know what’s wrong with it. (and in the quietest voice and the smallest font I can imagine ..what if they’re right?.. ) a bit louder now, some of the more recent research I’ve been looking at talks a lot more about the lack of emotional support from the male caregiver being a factor, but I couldn’t cite this confidently, having basically done little more than schlepp about the abstracts. my own ma is too much work for me to carry around, but yours sounds a gem. maybe dealing with your combined stuff together is showing the love more than a card? note this isn’t territory I’m comfortable on! why can’t you post about cake? I love talking about cake….
New Post: I Love My Mum http://bit.ly/e33IWn #borderline #PTSD
RT @serialinsomniac: New Post: I Love My Mum http://bit.ly/e33IWn #borderline #PTSD
Can I just say awww? (and Pan – that isn’t a bad thing :p) I think you’re softening in your old age. First soft toys and now you love your mum? bless!
hehee.
I do understand not being able to express your love though. I think she probably does know without you saying it, but it would be nice to say it once in a while, however you feel you can. Be that a card, bunch of flowers, present or something unique to you and her.
Weirdly I think of this post and think of me and the bloke. We have our problems, but I do love him, even though I rarely show it these days.
xx
Agree with the other comments, you are _not_ pathetic- just a normal daughter to an imperfect but still loving mother.
I do think maybe Turquoise has a point- you clearly _are_ conflicted about her denials of your sex abuse- but as you say it doesn’t make her a wholly bad person. She she have noticed it and should she have believed you? Of _course_ she should, but she’s still not the evil one here- your horrible uncle is.
Take care Pan,
Best wishes
Kate
New Post: I Love My Mum http://bit.ly/gPQKIQ #borderline #PTSD
RT @serialinsomniac: New Post: I Love My Mum http://bit.ly/gPQKIQ #borderline #PTSD
I have just stumbled across your blog and feel compelled to comment as this post really struck a cord with me. Neither menor my Mother have ever said “those three words” to each other. I always used to figure that it meant she didn’t love me or truly care but despite some of the negative points she may bring to our relationship I now know that she truly does love and care for me. Even this being now known to me, I cannot say “I love you” to her, not because I don’t mean it but because it would feel strange and I don’t think she would know what to say. In our case, it seems enough for now for me to say that I appreciate what she does for me, I value her input etc and this seems to have improved our relationship ten fold. Sometimes the other person knowing that you truly do value them can be an amazing first step and is so much easier to express.
Best of luck, looking forward to reading your future entries.