The Post-CAB One
I will write about yesterday’s gruesome appointment with the Citizens’ Advice Bureau in due course. All the context that is required for this post is that I have added ‘Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder’ as well as clinical depression, BPD, yadda yadda yadda to my DLA form. I was asked why by the advisor (no, I don’t think that was an acceptable question), and sent my mother out of the room whilst I explained.
The Scene – Later, At Mother’s House
Mother: So, this thing you don’t want me to know about, this C-PTSD {curiously, she said ‘C-PTSD’ with apparent confidence, as if she’s aware of the concept. This concerns me, as there is not really any way she could have this knowledge unless she has somehow established that that is one of my diagnoses. I haven’t told her it is, so…hmm. Anyway}.
Pandora: Yes…that thing I don’t want you to know about…
M: Oh, well, I’m not asking you to tell me what it is.
P: Good.
[Pause]
M: It’s to do with me, isn’t it?!
P: [Sighs] No.
M: Oh thank God for that.
[Pause]
M: [Anxiously] It’s Georgie and Merv, isn’t it? {Presumably in light of all the bollocks detailed in this, and therein linked, posts}.
P: [Laughs] Is that a serious question?
M: [Irritably] Yes, why wouldn’t it be?!
P: It has nothing to do with Georgie and Merv, mother. [Thinking: Wrong Aunt and Uncle, Mum. Try again!]
M: OK. [Walks away]
P: [Thinking: WTF?]
The curious thing is, she asked if it was Georgie and Merv, but mentioned no other members of the family at all, other than herself. Not even V. Why did she not pursue the issue when I said it was neither her not Georgie? Surely, even though she knows I won’t provide her with specifics, she is curious? When I have told her in the past that I don’t want to tell her something, she has gone on and on and on about it until I either (a) give in and tell her or (b) lose the plot, scream at her, and leave the room with her yelling obscenities in my wake.
I have a theory. I think she knows, deep down (if I may use such cliched phrases), that what I told her about Paedo was the truth. I hypothesise that there are four possible reasons for her not to accept it in the forefront of her mind:
- Guilt? She ‘failed’ to protect me from him, and cannot face the enormity of such a situation.
- She does not want to consciously acknowledge, even though she knows it really, that he – apparently an otherwise likeable, benign figure – is guilty of such heinous acts.
- She thinks that if she accepts that what she has been told is the truth (and the tip of the iceberg at that), then she will feel forced to confront him/cut off his cock/slander (or rather, tell the truth about) him. This would inevitably lead to the end of the familial unit as it is, and she fears that immensely.
- In the composition of the above I have forgotten what ’4′ was. If it returns to my consciousness at some point I shall endeavour to add it in the comments.
The One Even More Ridiculous Than the Above One
Scene – an hour later. Pandora is utilising her laptop for some pointless endeavour or other.
M: [Fidgets, keeps looking at me]
P: [Without looking up] Whatever it is that you want to say, please just say it.
M: Nothing, nothing.
[Pause]
M: [Semi-hysterical] You had an abortion, didn’t you?!!!
P: [Stares at mother in some surprise]
M: [Practically screaming in apparent horror] Didn’t you?!!!
P: [Incredulous laughter] Where did you get that idea from?!
M: Just answer the fucking question!
P: No.
M: Look me in the eye, Pandora, and tell me you didn’t have an abortion.
P: [Looks mother in the eye] No, mother, I have not, at any juncture, had an abortion. Nor, to the best of my knowledge, have I ever been pregnant.
M: [Sighs in apparent relief] OK. [Goes back to watching TV, quite contentedly].
P: [Thinking: WTF?]
For the sake of avoiding argument, I didn’t press this, but even if I had had an abortion, why is she so worked up about it? I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that terminating a pregnancy is a horrendously difficult and traumatic thing for those who make the decision to do it. From hearing the stories of others, I know that’s the case. But if I had had an abortion, and had not involved or advised my my mother of it in any way, how could she have some sort of emotional investment in the issue? (Of course, she would argue that she was (a) sad/upset/regretful/traumatised/whatever on my behalf and/or (b) outraged that I had neglected to tell her about it. But I still don’t really ‘get’ it).
The One After Seeing the Traumatic TV Advertisement Against Drink-Driving
Specifically, this:
Which ends with the question, “could you live with the shame?”
P: [Flippantly, out of frustration at the damn thing having been on TV 17 times in one fucking hour] Yes, I fucking could live with the shame! Now fuck off! {Of course, for the avoidance of doubt, I couldn’t really ‘live with the shame’, and would never, ever drink and drive, just like the ad advises. But the perpetual repetition nevertheless serves to irritate considerably}.
M: Could you really? I certainly couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
P: Riiiight…..
M: In fact, that’s the only circumstance in which I feel that I would have to kill myself.
P: [Shrugs] Fair enough [Returns to looking at laptop].
[Pause]
M: Mind you, it’s easy to say that, isn’t it?
P: Is it?
M: The thing is, the instinct just to survive is so very strong {says the eminent philosophical biologist}.
P: [Laughs cynically] Really? I don’t think so. You’re speaking for yourself there, Mum.
M: [Flies into rage] Augh, don’t be so fucking stupid! All this talk about suicide! It’s so selfish! Have you ever thought of me? {Interesting and unwitting use of irony, there}. Just get wise to yourself! {This translates roughly as “I say, dear girl, that was a highly questionable comment you just made. I would suggest that you reconsider your position forthwith and posit an alternative viewpoint with immeadiate effect, otherwise you may contract scabies or cholera and die in agony.”}. [Storms out of room].
P: [Thinking: WTF?]
She keeps my life interesting 
Related posts:
=O Errr…wow. Looks like we’re both having issues with our mothers at the moment in particular, except mine is fake emotional and yours seems to be overly emotional? Lucky us.
To mimic you earlier, I wish I had something useful to say!
It strikes me that mothers have a shockingly innate ability to piss us off, however loved and loveable they may otherwise be!
Classic. I’m in the midst of a pill over my mother just now as well. She’s long dead, so nothing to be done about it, but I seem to need to hang onto alot of crap around. Thanks for this you are such a brilliant writer. xxxx
Aww, thank you hun
Big hugs xxx
erm I would assume the abortion comment (if that was *my* mom making comments to me, and if *my* mom had mentioned CPTSD) that she had been thinking about possible causes and probably had been reading anti-choice literature at some point or was herself anti-choice b/c often anti-choice/pro-life websites will state something along the lines of post-abortion syndrome and it looks vaguely like PTSD… except that it doesn’t actually exist and is pretty much a lie. Although I have no doubt in my mind going through with abortion is terribly hard for most people and terribly emotional and could possibly result in serious distress depending on the circumstances.
I really despise the suicide is selfish comments, my father makes them…. frequently… and when I was in hospital made them CONSTANTLY. Thanks Dad, you dick. He also somehow thinks suicide is devious and deceitful and therefore to him so I am.
I don’t, not even in my wildest dreams think suicide is selfish in any circumstance whether you’ve learned you have a terminal disease and you just wanna leave this earth with some dignity, or just living is so damn hard it seems the only solution. Suicide is usually the sad conclusion of an illness, just like someone finally gives into “natural” causes of death (as if suicide isn’t natural?).
Thank you so much for saying this. I agree 100%. In fact, I wrote a post ages ago describing how I am ‘pro-choice’ in terms of suicide and detailing how I think it is selfish of others to try to guilt-trip suicidal people who have exhausted all treatment options. I haven’t published it yet because I know how controversial it will be, but I might work on it for next week as you have given me the confidence to try and present my argument. Thank you!
This is a very interesting idea actually. She has claimed, in the past, to be pro-choice – and in fairness, probably is. However, she may well have read somewhere that it can lead to PTSD.
Another issue on a related note: as I hypothesised in the post, I suspect that she does know about the sex abuse, even if she won’t admit it to herself. Could she have wondered at some visceral level if he had impregnated me (eugh), and that I had chosen to terminate the pregnancy?!
I would be very interested in the post about suicide being selfish or not. I’m with you in that I don’t think it is. In fact, while I was in hospital, one of the senior nurses took me out for a walk and asked me, “Don’t you think suicide is selfish?” I replied that surely it’s more selfish for others to guilt trip the suicidal person into living, which is clearly causing a lot of suffering (otherwise they wouldn’t be suicidal!). It seems to be more about them not wanting the pain of someone they care about dying. They’d rather the other person suffered in silence. Now that’s selfish. The nurse ‘saw where I was coming from’, but I don’t think he did because his replies came across like he hadn’t word of it!
There are probably more people who agree than you realise. It seems to be a viewpoint that many keep quiet about.
I’ve just re-read the draft, which was last edited way back last September. It’s pretty waffly and is completely unfinished, but hopefully eventually my mojo will return and I can tart it up a bit
Just like that the person above stated, when you feel better / your “mojo has returned” I think we’d all love to read it
Is it really bad that this post made me laugh out loud???
Kate
Nope
I’m not from around here (there). Why does one visit a CAB? What does DLA stand for? Tweet me if it’s easier: Saffronroses
The Citizens’ Advice Bureau (see here) offer advice on social security (benefit) claims, debt problems, rights at work – that sort of thing. They are a general advice-for-the-public charity. Their services are completely free, though they do request donations from those that are financially capable.
DLA stands for Disability Living Allowance. It has two components: ‘care’ and ‘mobility’. Anyone who needs some form of care due to an illness or disability is theoretically entitled the some form of ‘care’ allowance. If you have difficulties moving around outdoors you are theoretically entitled to ‘mobility’ allowance. I presently receive the highest rate of care because I’m a danger to myself and generally don’t get up, get dressed etc unsolicited. I also receive the low rate of mobility because, even though I can walk and whatnot, I generally need to be accompanied outdoors as I’m at a risk of severe panic attacks, dissociation, whatever.
I wrote a bit about it here, but there are more comprehensive details here.
“When I have told her in the past that I don’t want to tell her something, she has gone on and on and on about it until I either (a) give in and tell her or (b) lose the plot, scream at her, and leave the room with her yelling obscenities in my wake.”
We have the same mother. Boundaries anyone? You just can’t argue with that sort of logic.
Lola x
Incidentally “Could you live with the shame?” is an interesting advert. Implies to me such a concern with how external those thoughts are. Shame is the fear of how others will perceive you because of something. “Oh no, I have killed a child, people must think I am a terrible terrible person”. Whereas guilt is the sense of having done something morally wrong. It seems odd they chose shame as opposed to guilt, as the whole soppy music and happy little children shots would suggest they are looking to show the value in a life, and then it no longer exists because of someones selfish stupidity. “I have killed a child, I *am* a terrible person by my own standards” oblivious of other people’s thoughts on the matter.
There is a lesson in that somewhere. Or perhaps that’s my own shit coming through. My Mother confuses shame with guilt a great deal. Her guilt seems to clear up considerably when no one finds out her secrets, hence the consistent lying and her inability to face up to anything.
Lola x
Yes! YES! I am so glad you said this, Lola. Ever since this ad has been on the TV, I always thought that worrying about shame (at least as a primary response) was a borderline offensive way of reacting to a car accident. You should care that you killed someone before anything else – you shouldn’t give a toss that others care that you killed someone!
It always struck me as a curious way to present the subject material, but no one else seemed to get it when I protested. So thank you!
Hugs honey
Pan xxx
I suspected from your recent posts that you could empathise. *sigh* Parents, eh? xxx
Your post made me draw breath sharply and also smile for some reason…. You write really well and from the heart.
I don’t understand (just so far from my experience) how your mum came to be in the CAB appt with you. Are you close in some ways but miles apart in others? Noone knows my diagnoses and I don’t think my parents would even countenance the fact that I might turn to CAB for advice (I do, have done several times). I just couldn’t bear them or anyone to know that I have a disorder, altho maybe it would help them understand, am just not going there. x
As a general rule, on a day to day sort of basis, we do get on pretty well.
She has always been aware of my issues with depression and anxiety, though as a teenager I have to say she treated me quite awfully, and in fact borderline abusively. As of my 20s, however, she has been considerably more accepting.
She is also aware of my BPD and bipolar II diagnoses, which I officially received last June. However, when I was officially given the C-PTSD diagnosis this year, I deliberately withheld it from her, as I knew it would garner many uncomfortable questions. Even with that considered, I knew she’d dismiss the whole bullshit with Paedo, which would have been far from a helpful mode of thinking for me.
All that said, though, I still need someone with me at any stressful points, and this includes meeting the CAB. I knew they needed to know of the C-PTSD diagnosis, so I resigned myself to my mother becoming cognisant of same. Nevertheless, I will keep as much about it from her as I can…but fortunately we’re still close enough that I can express some (and only ‘some’) of my misery to her. But it’s better than nothing.
I’m sorry you feel so constricted hun. I hope some of us out here in the ether are able to provide you with some sense or relief.
Big, big hugs either way. xxx
Pretty much, yes. She is also my registered carer, and since I ‘officially’ still live with her, she’s regarded as my supervisor (to prevent self-harm etc), though often in reality that is A. Because I freak out and go doolally in unfamiliar or potentially conflictive situations, I need someone around with me when I’m put into them; during the week this is usually my mother, as she’s retired now. Although there’s nothing particularly hostile about the CAB, it is stressful to face the enormity of your own madness in that way, not to mention the fact that you have to deal with unfamiliar people.
Having said all that, I totally understand your perspective too. I can deal with my mother knowing about the BPD/depression/anxiety diagnoses, but I feel desperately uncomfortable with her having an awareness of the PTSD, so I can empathise in that way.
Hugs hun xxx
I am a mom. I know too many of “our kind” who just want to be let off the hook. If a kid insinuates that the mom is the reason for any discomfort that the kid is feeling, the mom immediately takes the defensive. I think this actually happens even when the kids does not suggest their problems grew out of something that happened during childhood. The mom immediately assumes that she missed something and whatever happened, it was her fault for not stopping it. Snooping around for the REASON becomes a cross for her to bear. The amazing thing is that too often the problem is staring her right in the face but these prickly, paranoid moms just won’t/can’t admit it. Denial and rejection. When I see this, I feel sorry for both parties. The kid usually wants validation and the mom wants to be recognized for trying. They will never get on the same page.
Mind you I do know that there are creepy moms out there who are not nice and do nasty things. I am talking about the run of the mill variety.
I don’t usually weigh in on mom-bashing but I feel that I have to ask something here. Why is your mom so hellbent on ignoring what happened to you? Is it that it is unsavory? Her behavior feels almost pathological. I mean taking you to your uncle’s house for an extended visit. I nearly jumped out of my skin reading that post. And, your mom seemed oblivious throughout. Then, reading this post makes me feel like your mom is very self-involved and NEVER even tries to understand your point of view.
I personally feel that suicide is NOT selfish. If someone is in enough pain to consider suicide, who are we to insist that they are not and that the suffer should stop to consider everyone else’s feelings. What?! Better to have the act of suicide stopped because the person feels a spark of life that they want to explore NOT because of some guilt thrown at them.
Who is your mom’s source for mental health information? CPTSD is very specific, not well-known.
xx kris