Hello once more, all. I returned on Monday from Turkey having had a lovely time and being in a surprisingly non-shit mood upon arrival back in Norn Iron. I think the good weather here helped; this country, for all its faults, is stunningly beautiful especially whilst bathed in bright sunlight.
Anyway, I may report on the holiday in due course, but for now I need your advice, my precious lovelies. I’ve been thinking seriously since I last saw C – and before, for that matter – of just quitting therapy. I will outline my reasons and the pros and cons of this, but whatever the case I would really value your advice or tales of your experiences of same. Thanks so much to all of you on Twitter and Facebook that have already provided such counsel.
Basically, I feel that the whole situation with C is completely out of my control, and this is doing my head in. I’m not exactly a control freak, but I know that if things are in my hands, then at least I am not in as vulnerable a position than I would be in the case where the power is firmly in the hands of others. The therapy is ending in – what? – seven or eight weeks anyway, so why not take control of things in one of the few ways I now can? What are those few weeks going to actually even do, apart from fuck up my life even more?
I’m also at the stage where I believe firmly that therapy is thoroughly re-traumatising me. I accept that a certain amount of this is inevitable – indeed, I’m sure, necessary – in trauma therapy, but the thing is in most cases the therapist continues working with the client at least until he or she has been able to overcome that re-traumatisation (or, in the worst case scenario, not be quite so hideously haunted by it). This will not be the case with me, unless C can miraculously process all my traumatic memories – those of systematic, long-term child sexual abuse, abandonment/rejection, bullying and betrayal – in a few pathetic weeks. He doesn’t even know about it all (not because I have deliberately withheld information, simply as some things have to take priority), so how can he? Basically, I am completely re-traumatised and it is all but impossible that I am going to leave therapy in a different state.
Useful work is not even being done at this stage, in my view, because I’ve become terribly defensive again. At least, I assume that it is defensiveness – it never feels exactly like that in session, it’s just that I can’t seem to talk about anything worthwhile anymore. But of course I can rationalise that behaviour out of session: I know that I’m teetering on the precipice of being hurt with a pain unparalleled in years, so it makes sense for me to clam up in order that I can protect myself from being even more at C’s mercy than I already am.
So, pros and cons of ending therapy of my own accord.
- Regaining control of the situation.
- Earlier transition to a private (and hence more reliable) therapist, and an earlier start at interviewing those on the shortlist.
- Satisfaction of beating C at his own game.
- Reduction of further re-traumatisation.
- Reduction of further wastage of 50 minutes each week on both sides.
- The Trust will almost certainly interpret this as typical borderline behaviour and note further stigmatic bullshit all over my medical notes.
- The Trust will consider the fact that I quit therapy of my own volition in any future referrals and presumably respond with a giant ‘fuck off’.
- I might miss C and end up regretting finishing interaction with him before the last possible minute that I could have done.
- W claims that therapy seems to have been working of late, presumably owing to his objective and detailed reading of my material here. It certainly was doing so, for a while, though I don’t really think it is at present. But if it is, then I could be ‘blowing it’.
One thing I am going to do – to wind C and the Trust up if nothing else – is demand some material from them. One, I want copies of the entire files that C and NewVCB hold on me. They will be requested, respectively, tomorrow and at my psychiatric appointment next Wednesday. Two, I intend to launch a Freedom of Information request into the minutiae of certain Trust expenditure, so as I can quote the Trust’s almost inevitable wastage in my ongoing dispute with Mr Director-Person (more on that cunt later today).
So. In conclusion, I would really, really appreciate all your thoughts on this matter. Any views of any persuasion are most welcome. Should I quit therapy with C before he quits it for me, or should I ride it out to the end?
Thank you all. x