Hello once more, all. I returned on Monday from Turkey having had a lovely time and being in a surprisingly non-shit mood upon arrival back in Norn Iron. I think the good weather here helped; this country, for all its faults, is stunningly beautiful especially whilst bathed in bright sunlight.
Anyway, I may report on the holiday in due course, but for now I need your advice, my precious lovelies. I’ve been thinking seriously since I last saw C – and before, for that matter – of just quitting therapy. I will outline my reasons and the pros and cons of this, but whatever the case I would really value your advice or tales of your experiences of same. Thanks so much to all of you on Twitter and Facebook that have already provided such counsel.
Basically, I feel that the whole situation with C is completely out of my control, and this is doing my head in. I’m not exactly a control freak, but I know that if things are in my hands, then at least I am not in as vulnerable a position than I would be in the case where the power is firmly in the hands of others. The therapy is ending in – what? – seven or eight weeks anyway, so why not take control of things in one of the few ways I now can? What are those few weeks going to actually even do, apart from fuck up my life even more?
I’m also at the stage where I believe firmly that therapy is thoroughly re-traumatising me. I accept that a certain amount of this is inevitable – indeed, I’m sure, necessary – in trauma therapy, but the thing is in most cases the therapist continues working with the client at least until he or she has been able to overcome that re-traumatisation (or, in the worst case scenario, not be quite so hideously haunted by it). This will not be the case with me, unless C can miraculously process all my traumatic memories – those of systematic, long-term child sexual abuse, abandonment/rejection, bullying and betrayal – in a few pathetic weeks. He doesn’t even know about it all (not because I have deliberately withheld information, simply as some things have to take priority), so how can he? Basically, I am completely re-traumatised and it is all but impossible that I am going to leave therapy in a different state.
Useful work is not even being done at this stage, in my view, because I’ve become terribly defensive again. At least, I assume that it is defensiveness – it never feels exactly like that in session, it’s just that I can’t seem to talk about anything worthwhile anymore. But of course I can rationalise that behaviour out of session: I know that I’m teetering on the precipice of being hurt with a pain unparalleled in years, so it makes sense for me to clam up in order that I can protect myself from being even more at C’s mercy than I already am.
So, pros and cons of ending therapy of my own accord.
Pros
- Regaining control of the situation.
- Earlier transition to a private (and hence more reliable) therapist, and an earlier start at interviewing those on the shortlist.
- Satisfaction of beating C at his own game.
- Reduction of further re-traumatisation.
- Reduction of further wastage of 50 minutes each week on both sides.
Cons
- The Trust will almost certainly interpret this as typical borderline behaviour and note further stigmatic bullshit all over my medical notes.
- The Trust will consider the fact that I quit therapy of my own volition in any future referrals and presumably respond with a giant ‘fuck off’.
- I might miss C and end up regretting finishing interaction with him before the last possible minute that I could have done.
- W claims that therapy seems to have been working of late, presumably owing to his objective and detailed reading of my material here. It certainly was doing so, for a while, though I don’t really think it is at present. But if it is, then I could be ‘blowing it’.
One thing I am going to do – to wind C and the Trust up if nothing else – is demand some material from them. One, I want copies of the entire files that C and NewVCB hold on me. They will be requested, respectively, tomorrow and at my psychiatric appointment next Wednesday. Two, I intend to launch a Freedom of Information request into the minutiae of certain Trust expenditure, so as I can quote the Trust’s almost inevitable wastage in my ongoing dispute with Mr Director-Person (more on that cunt later today).
So. In conclusion, I would really, really appreciate all your thoughts on this matter. Any views of any persuasion are most welcome. Should I quit therapy with C before he quits it for me, or should I ride it out to the end?
Thank you all. x
New Post: To Quit or Not to Quit (Therapy, That Is)? ADVICE REQUIRED! – http://cli.gs/6MYR4 #therapy #borderline #PTSD
New Blog Post: To Quit or Not to Quit (Therapy, That Is)? ADVICE REQUIRED! http://bit.ly/9kvzOx #borderline #PTSD
Best thing I ever read said – Therapy’s not right for everyone – for some people, therapy just makes them worse.
meant to put at the end – I think you know my opinions of the C thing. Take control. I long since gave up on the NHS and have been wallowing in the security of expensive but totally reliable mental health care ever since.. and getting better.
Whatever happens with C, I’m actually looking forward to moving into this secure realm. I have no idea how I’ll afford it, but I’ll work something out.
Thanks WG xxx
As always, you and I find ourselves in the very same boat (which I suspect has the phrase HMS Titanic tactfully emblazoned down the sides) … your experience in therapy right now is frighteningly identical to mine. Over the last two weeks I have dealt the ‘reject you before you reject me’ card right in session. All I can tell you is that the effect has been partly what I expected, in that the reaction has been quasi~typical~Borderline~response as you rightly anticipated in your ‘Cons’ section; but also has given me the strength to actually say what I feel. I can only counsel that the card is best played with absolute determination, with full force and all the righteous anger and disappointment that leads you to even considering laying it on the table.
My experience today and last week was that (Detatched Protector mode notwithstanding) it may have been the kick up the psychodynamic backside that was needed to underscore the position that we are *not* at the behest of the NHS, that we *do* have power and autonomy and that *will* reflect on the therapist’s efficacy.
You know how very deeply I care about you and your situation, and I’ll DM you more details once I’ve got my own head round the minefield of how this is panning out as a strategic development.
Suffice to say, my vote is go. Read your ‘Cons’ again … do you actually care about any of them? To me the Pros seem far weightier and much more important right now. And screw impulsivity, we simply don’t have time to mess about with the complex meanings behind wanting to terminate or not. It’s your life, your head, your thoughts, your memories, your reality.
Pull the plug and watch the lights go out.
You might be surprised to see a candle flickering in the corner …
<3 xx
We’ll see how it plays out babe. The discussion begins in less than 12 hours…
Lots of love <3 xxx
Difficult one. I’ve thought about this myself many times and came to the conclusion that, for me, it would be the wrong thing to do. But you’re not me obviously. I think you need to talk this through with C. You definately need to discuss the retraumatisation with him because that is a huge issue and needs to be dealt with. I wouldn’t just quit because it would leave you without any closure.
How much of this is a ‘fuck you’ to the uselessness of the NHS? If so, would it be cutting of your nose to spite your face? I don’t know any answers I’m just talking drivel.
Whatever you choose, make sure it’s the right choice for you.
Lots of love and hugs xxxxxxx
Love and hugs to you too my love. I’ll try and have some of this out with him tomorrow. xxxxx
Hi
This is tough, and I speak only from my experience, you need to do what feels right in your gut, for you.
But… I have been here several times. For the past 12 ish years Ive seen various therapists etc and have never had a successful, planned ending. Ive always had to either leave in a hurry (when ill), had to move, or have left of my own volition because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. This history hasn’t helped me and I still go through the “I want to be discharged” scenario in my current therapy, but this time, I am determined to stick it out. I think if I leave then I a)wont be able to afford private therapy, or b) I won’t be seen again by nhs – (and I do want the nhs to work and do it’s job and have to deal with bpd etc) and most importantly c) to get an ending, to see that I’ve stuck with a horribly hard process to the end, to stick with someone who I trust and not waste the effort it takes me to trust someone even a bit.
I can see that as you have imminent discharge on the horizon that you are feeling that it would be better to go now, but didn’t new vcb say something (indefinite, I know) about future therapy / more time with C. If ive got that wrong am sorry.
I would DEFINITELY talk to C about what you are thinking. If you are considering leaving anyway, you have nothing to lose.
Again, these are only my mummblings and you are in your own circumstances with your therapy and have your own reasons. Allow yourself time to think about it in the light of seeing C after the break of your holiday. I wish you well with your decision. Take care x
I don’t know. I do see your point about re-traumatising you, and I think that is something you should bring up with C. I am not sure about the other points. When I read your blog I don’t get the impression time is being wasted, on his side or yours. I know sometimes you get frustrated, but overall it doesn’t feel like you are wasting your time. If I am completely honest then I think wanting to beat him at his own game does sound like a BPD thing. I do understand why you are feeling like this – you want to leave before you can be pushed out, but I am not sure if it is a good idea. And you are right in that it would probably have repercussions on future treatment. I don’t really feel like I have the right to advise you on what to do – my gut instinct is that you are possibly wanting to do this for the wrong reasons, but I don’t know for sure, and I know that is going against the advice other people have given. I do think that you should talk to C about it though. Also, if you are going to find a private therapist, it might be worth asking him for recommendations – he might know someone he thinks you would work well with etc. I do think it is shit that they are stopping your therapy like this before you feel ready, but I just don’t know if you stopping it even sooner is going to help, and I think you might end up regretting it, particularly given your attachment to C. Just my 2 cents. x
I am coming from a bipolar perspective so maybe tis doesn’t translate across to Borderline however, I have indeed been at the wrong end of ineffectual psychs in my time, I am also aware that I cannot afford the life long treatment I have coming to me. I have transfered to another doctor many years ago. This somehow reflected badly on me! I have since kept my head down and gone through the motions to get my meds. I have worked hard on myself to keep me right. This is by no means perfect but for now it works for me. With bipolar, you medicate, manage and build a routine, that is enough to get going. I have psych issue sure but nothing that needs going over in detail. That is the difference I would suppose, to keep the NHS paying and refering attend. As pointless as it may be you don’t slide in the bad books. It really shouldn’t be like that, but there you go! I am in two minds though, I would love to get more useful help but then again I can’t afford it and the NHS don’t like squeaky wheels!
I rambled, in a nutshell the system doesn’t work and it punishes you if you try and change it. On the plus side, I did have one useful doctor once, he was axed due to budget cuts! It’s almost a punchline!
I should probably point out here that I really don’t think this is about a “fuck you” to the NHS. They don’t care either way (in fact, it would probably be in their best interests fiscally if I wasn’t in treatment), and in any case, the “fuck you”s come thick and fast vis a vis my arguments with Mr Director-Person.
Really – I think it’s about no longer seeing the point of therapy, about therapy making things worse after initially having had some positive impact, about therapy ending anyway and about nothing being able to be achieved in such a short remaining timeframe. I don’t feel like this particular issue is some sort of personal vendetta, because as I say, even if it was, it wouldn’t negatively impact on the Trust anyway.
Fine – yes, you’re right, NewVCB did say something along those lines. The latest letter from Mr Director-Person would appear to contradict that, but it’s not 100% clear what he means. I am seeing NewVCB next week so I will see if she brings it up then.
Thanks for your comments all.
Have thought about this one for a while…
Without wanting to sound patronising (which is pretty easy at times !) I believe understand what you’re saying, and have found myself asking similar questions of my own therapy, but for entirely different reasons. I can imagine that you may feel some pressure to decide given the timescale for your therapy ending.
In the end, the advice (check me out ! lol !) I arrived at is as follows… Go to your next session, state what you’re thinking, and discuss why… see where you end up ? Nothing to lose (except 50 mins of your life !), it isn’t like you have to go back again after that…
There you go… my opinion ! lol !
Pleased you enjoyed your holiday :0)
Lou
Yep. I’m intending to bring this up with him tomorrow morning. Assuming I have the (figurative…*ahem*) balls, like..!
I just don’t see the point anymore. Theoretically, I have no problem telling him that either.
x
Tell him that… Actually, that’s kinda where I’m at with mine ! LOL! I just can’t be arsed any more… can’t see any ongoing benefit any more…
Just say / do it ! LOL!
:0)
Hugs Lou – therapists such sometimes x
Thing is, I adore my therapist. She is a wonderful person. The sort of person I would choose to be friends with outside of Therapy. Seems such a shame to have met her *through* therapy.
Bummer…
Just not sure I need anything so focused. I’m just a miserable git at times and should get over it. I almost feel like I just need checking in on every now and then, and for someone to proactively look out for me.
Oh, you’re a woman after my own heart. I know I slag him off all the time, but I really, genuinely believe that C and I could have been friends in different circumstances. We get on well and have an easy rapport. We have common interests. We challenge each other.
Although I think he’s an insightful and, at times, quite gifted, psychologist, I really, often wish that I had met him in different circumstances; I am convinced – and I don’t think this is transferential bullshit in any way – that we could have been friends. We just connect.
Fuck.
I should probably add, given my ranting about how pointless I presently am finding therapy, that he’s still very good at his job and we still have the same rapport we ever had. It’s not his fault that therapy has, at times, become pointless. But I will detail all this in more depth when I discuss this week’s (ie. 27th May) session properly.
xxx
Lurker for a minute, first comment. 33-year-old American woman diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Had several years of private therapy off and on several years ago (my second go at it) and am now “back in the game” so to speak (for a third time) as my marriage and birth of my first child re-triggered a very, very unmanageable trauma response. (One I did not expect. Although I’m not dense…one would think I was as I never imagined just giving birth to a defenseless girl baby would trigger me back to my feelings of helplessness at the hands of my abuser and cause emotional numbing towards my own CHILD)
As an interesting side note, I am also a therapist that specializes in working with traumatized children. I’ve been doing this work for ten years. You can tell me to fuck off if you want, as I’m sure you will.
..but I feel you should continue for last 7-8 weeks. You are attempting to regain control as you are frightened. Understandable. Push through it. You ARE strong enough. There is going to be a level of retraumitization in therapy. Studies show for some people it is better for them to manage their symptoms and never delve deeper into their memories. For some people, the opposite is true. I think you have to decide which person you are. I also think that you have to be very careful that C doesn’t “open a wound” in the last 7-8 weeks of therapy that he does not close before you conclude. Now, THAT could be a horrible and debilitating thing for you. As a therapist, I try to never open a wound in a session that I cannot close before we end. You cannot have that person walking around with that much hanging out when they leave therapy.
But long range, factoring in your health care system, I believe it is much better for you to complete this course of therapy than prematurely break your relationship with your therapist and have that noted in a chart that follows you around (I have little info on NHS as I am American and they prefer for us to DIE instead of providing us with nationalized health care). Plus, I kinda think trying to “break up” with C is just you attempting some form of “retribution” for him not seeing you any longer. In the end, its simply self-destructive. But, you know this. You are attempting to separate and grieve him before you actually lose him. The actual fact of losing him is triggering all that abandonment crap us with PTSD carry around. The only way to try to tamp down those feelings is putting yourself in a position where you feel some sort of “control”.
You can’t make a logical decision in that state. Besides that, every single one of your “pros” are bollocks except for number four. Hence previous statement concerning figure out which “type” of person you are. If you are one where therapy is actually going to help you. Or, do you need to shove those memories down, put them to bed, and work on controlling your symptoms. That’s all work you have to do on your own.
I’ve also learned that doing a year of therapy and then taking a year to two year break seems to work better for ME. It gives me time to integrate things I learned in therapy into my life. It can become overwhelming if done over extended periods of time. It may just be that you’ve reached your point where you need to take a step back and attempt to integrate the things you’ve learned about yourself and your past into your life in a healthy way. Then maybe go back in six months to a year and take the next step-whatever that may be.
Good Luck to you! As a sufferer myself, I understand that it’s difficult, tiring, and can extremely frustrating to feel like you are dedicating your life to working out something that was done TO you and is not your fault. I appreciate your blog as its really the only one I’ve found where someone is willing to talk about day to day life living with Complex PTSD and trying to be in a relationship.
I blog myself and write for a paper. I’ve wanted to start a blog detailing the chronicles of my mental health journey, but being sort of “known” where I’m from has stopped me. I’m trying to get over this fear.
You see, this is exactly my concern. He’s already done that, and he can’t fix it in the time we’ve got left. If we’d dealt with the trauma a year ago, things might have been alright now, but a year ago I’d only been seeing him a few months and didn’t have the level of trust required to admit to him things that I was was practically unable to admit to myself. So this is my primary frustration. The wound cannot be closed in a few weeks. It’s like damaging one’s leg, and having a medic say, “we have to break it to straighten it again,” only for them not to cast and care for the breakage they inflicted.
Thank you! I appreciate that. I hope you can manage to start your own in due course – let me know if you do, I’d be very glad to read what you have to say
I’m trying (on the blog thing). I even have one set up posttraumaposthaste.blogspot.com. As you can see, ONE FRIGGIN ENTRY. But, at least I’m trying.
I have two other blogs I actually keep up with.
I understand the “wounding” part as I went to a new psychiatrist myself three weeks ago expecting a regular, routine first eval (something I’m very used to). I keep having to change depending upon who my insurance will pay for and finding a new psych is not unlike blind dating, you know? You never know if you are actually going to get the meds you want…if they are going to know crap about what is going on with you. Intrestingly enough, this woman was a PTSD specialist and STILL fucked up. I was expecting a brief overview of my past which I had nicely typed up and provided for her in a lovely format with bullet points and page numbering (because I’m sick like that) Instead, she made me go through every single trauma I’ve accumulated in my past history (surprisingly, a whole hell of a lot). Including graphic sexual details of the incest I survived. She then did not ground or “close” me before end of session and I was a HOT FUCKED UP MESS for the better part of ten days. I was experiencing such high levels of arousal AND numbing that I could barely speak at home and was unable to do pretty much anything at work but stare at the wall and hope I didn’t start screaming in my office.
So, I understand the conunudrum. I have another appointment with her in a week and I, myself, am unsure if I should walk in and cuss her out or tell her “thanks” for finally diagnosing me correctly. Not keeping the appointment isn’t even an option as she is the only one around here that takes my insurance that I won’t have to pay $450.00 of my own money.
Plus, if I don’t show up…any FUTURE psychiatrist that I see that takes my insurance will also get HER notes regarding me missing appointments, etc. So, believe me, I UNDERSTAND.
Thankfully, she isn’t my therapist. She’s just my drug dealer.
I’ve been kicked out of therapy, walked out of treatment, and terminated private therapy. The first was hugely distressing as it was very badly handled, the therapy and the ending was traumatic, but fortunately I was so dissociated from everything I only felt it long after the event.
When I walked out of treatment it was because I thought it was making me worse (it was, I lost a considerable amount of my body weight and marbles) It HURT far far worse than I was expecting it to, be aware of that. I often wonder how it would have felt when it ended as it was supposed to. Anyway, the last option, terminating therapy myself, was because I felt I no longer needed it.
(Get to the point, Lola.)
Basically I do not regret walking out of treatment even the tiniest bit. I am relieved time and again that I walked. OK I walked into a year or so of complete messiness, but it was the beginning of me taking a stand and responsibility for my own care. I don’t think the level of attachment I had to them, or dependency did me any favours whatsoever. I only wish I had found a more sensible set up sooner than I did, but it took a long time to get over my fear of therapy to do so.
But everyone is different. And it pays to have a back up plan. The NHS can be a bunch of wankers if you are seen to be non-compliant. I’ve been shafted on a few occasions for other incidents of taking control/making a bid for freedom, leaving me with nothing but my own thinly stretched resources. Sometimes voting with your feet leaves you on your arse.
I have no answers, I wish I did.
Lola x
Yes, I think you’re right there. It’s the main motivating factor against ending the process myself.
xxx
For doubt avoidance, I wrote TWO posts today; 1-letter to Trust http://is.gd/cqnCn 2-re therapy end http://is.gd/cqnWh #PTSD #borderline #fb
I can only understand a fraction of how you feel. I feel booted out by the NHS, they’re referring me back to my GP and I want to leave now, in my timing, not theirs. I don’t trust doctors anymore. But I don’t do what I want, I’m not good at bucking what appears to me to be authority.
My thoughts for your situation particularly lie around the attachment you have towards C. Ending it abruptly could hurt you more, possibly?
Could you ask him why he has deliberately brought up traumatising subjects for you when he knows how little time you have left to resolve things? At least then you could have some understanding. And, as others have said, I think plucking up the courage to tell him exactly how you think and feel would be the best thing right now. And getting his advice on a private therapist.
I wonder if this is your head talking or your heart? Both need to be taken into account I think.
I think it’s both to be honest. At this stage anyway. It was very much a rational line of thought at first, but the more I thought about it over the recent separation, the more I came to ‘feel’ that it seemed right. I may change my mind in both regards, I don’t know. I’ll see him in the morning and see how it goes.
Good ideas all round. I will do as best I can with it in the morning.
RT @serial_insomnia I wrote TWO posts today; 1-letter to Trust http://is.gd/cqnCn 2-re therapy end http://is.gd/cqnWh #PTSD #borderline #fb
Have you shown him your blog, told him what you’re saying here? This sounds pretty much like a fucked up situation.
Not yet, but I’m hoping to discuss some of what’s written here with him tomorrow. It was actually my intention to print out the post and let him read it, but at the one juncture I might need it, the bloody printer has given up the ghost. Still, I’ll try and convey as much of it to him as I can.
Hello. I wanted to comment, because I’ve just come from a therapy session where I’ve desperately wanted to regain control of the situation. In my case, I’m staying because I know it will do me good in the long term, but at the moment I’m angry about staying and wish I could leave, go back to pretending everything is OK.
I totally agree with you about re-traumatisation, I agree that that is a somewhat necessary part of therapy, and it sucks because you’ve only got a set amount of time with your therapist. So, given that you have a short amount of time left, you could use this to discuss how to minimise re-traumatisation and make clear to C that you want to focus on being prepared for enD-Day. And, if you feel prepared enough, you could always finish 2 or 3 sessions early. Having said that, when I try to make clear to my therapist that I want to talk about something in particular, it never works out like that! Argh – process!
I think this is a possible way forward, thank you Rachel. I will discuss this with him and see if he has a plan, or if we can formulate one together.
As you may have read it’s my intention to move to a private therapist when this ends, and I have some recommendations that I’m working with (and I’ll seek more from C also). Of course the difficulty is that you can’t just automatically trust such a person so I won’t be able to move into the realm of removing the trauma with him/her, but if I can resolve some of it with C before commencing work with the new person, that would be great.
It’s such a frustrating process, isn’t it? Grr!
Thanks again. Hugs x
Yes, it’s totally frustrating! I see my therapist privately, and there are different frustrations to the NHS, but I think it is more empowering to be taking control of your own ‘care’. Good luck!
I have a psychoanalyst and I see him several times a week. He has made it clear that as long as I don’t feel ready for it to be over, it won’t be over. The reason he’s made that so abundantly clear is that I’ve often gotten very upset at the prospect of the end, and it’s been a subject of much discussion. I am really appalled at what seems to be emptiness in the place of where this dialogue should take place. The system sounds like a big clusterfuck, and I feel for you. It’s clear that you’re a highly intelligent woman, Pandora. Your writing is eloquent and complex. You’ve worked hard to forge a path for yourself and your sanity. You deserve a good situation.
Thank you so much for these kind comments, Mira. You’re right – the NHS is a nightmare of labyrinth-like bureaucracy, and not as ‘health service’ as there should be. As with most UK public bodies, it could probably be cut by a sizeable margin and still function to the same standard it currently does – if they’d lose the red tape, and put the free resources into treatment, things would be a hell of a lot better. The whole bloody thing is a mess.
Although it will be horribly costly, I’m looking forward in many ways to getting back to the private sector. I’ve previous had CBT and hypnotherapy through it, both of which were highly ineffective. However, knowing know that the dynamic school has been of help to me, I am confident that if I can find a good practitioner of this therapy or of analysis, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The private sector ensures, as long as you have the funds, that your place in the therapy is secure, so hopefully it’ll eventually be the case that I have a therapist as reassuring in this way as yours.
All the best. x
Seems the consensus here is “don’t do it”. My instinct is still “do it”. I don’t even especially want to see him tomorrow. I can’t be bothered. I’ve never felt such ambivalence towards him and the process in the past. I can’t even be arsed to have my usual Wednesday night shower; I just don’t care.
Still, there’s no immediate rush to act on this, so I’ll take your advice re: talking to him about my ambivalence and about the re-traumatisation issues, and take it from there.
Thanks again all. Much appreciated.
I hope it goes ok tomorrow and you are able to be honest with him about how you are feeling about the whole thing. x
Living in Australia, I don’t get the whole Trust thing. From what I infer, the Trust is forcing you to terminate therapy with C in a few weeks? That seems like a pretty terrible system, especially when there is the risk of you being retraumatised and left without support when you have been talking about your trauma in therapy.
I agree with everyone else that you should talk about this with C when you see him. I understand wanting to quit on your own terms by ending it before it’s ended for you. But I think it may be better to stick it out till the end? But of course, it’s your decision to make. I think too that the suggestion of asking C if he knows any good private therapists to be referred to is a good idea.
Take care,
Cassie x
Basically yes. The Trust (Health and Social Care Trust, to give it its full title) is responsible for all health care in a certain geographical area, and they’re responsible for budgeting and targets for that whole area. C has consistently claimed that he, rather than the Trust, decided on the end of therapy, and I have always thought that was only technically the truth. Turns out I was right; he admitted this morning that he has told the powers that be that I need long-term therapy, but that they have responded with wank about targets blah blah. He said he could have kept quiet about how long I’d been seeing him, so in that respect he ended up having to decide on an end point, but even I wouldn’t expect him to virtually lie for me.
The whole thing is completely fucked up. The service claims that it’s free, but it isn’t really. All employed people pay 11% of their salary to help fund it. OK, I’m not working at the minute, but only because of the seriousness of this breakdown; I did work from the age of 16 right through to I was 25, so I’ve paid a decent share (and have sought therapy from private practitioners too).
I told C this morning, as I have done in the past, that this kind of pathetic treatment must lead to hundreds of deaths through suicide, self-neglect, drug/alcohol dependency etc. I think the NHS should be utterly ashamed of this probable fact.
Hugs xxx
Pandora, my heart goes out to you. Since you don’t know me, take my advice with a grain of salt, okay?
My two cents would be:
see it through to the end. it may make the immediate future harder, but I wonder if it will help you avoid that awful feeling of regret. Master this tough situation, and be proud of yourself for it.
-Jenna (a reader of your blog from over in Canada)
Thanks Jenna, I appreciate your support. Regret is certainly a powerful feeling that I would wish to avoid.
Thanks again x
Yeah, I wouldn’t quit. You don’t want to cut off your options for the furture.
As others have posted, I would just want to put my vote in for talking it over with C first. You don’t have anything to lose other than an hour of your time. Maybe he can set you up or guide you in the right direction to a pay-for therapist. I, too, don’t fully understand the whole “trust” issue. Here in Canada, you can get 12 sessions with a therapist for free – usually has to be through a psychiatric outpatient program- in a 12 month period. I am paying for therapy out of pocket. You will find ways to cope and pay for it. It just takes sacrifice.
OK, I’ll see if I can explain the Trust thing a bit more.
In England and Wales, they have Primary Care Trusts – see here.
Now, what we have in Northern Ireland is not the same (ours are Health and Social Care Trusts – see this), but in relation to my position within my Trust the PCT concept is reasonably close to how things are for me.
In essence, the Trusts are governing bodies for geographical areas, and manage budgets and care throughout that region. They themselves are allocated budget by the Department of Health in Great Britain or the Department of Health, Social Services and Public Safety in Northern Ireland (which, in turn, receive their funding from the Treasury and the Department of Finance and Personnel respectively).
The NHS is the whole health service throughout the UK, encompassing all the Trusts. It’s arguably free, and arguably provides all acute and chronic healthcare to every UK citizen. In reality, both are fallacies. The service is funded through a tax called National Insurance (NI), which is 11% of a person’s salary or wage. For those of us not presently working, as I understand it at least, the Social Security Agency pays the NI for us (presumably eliminating it as extra monies paid in benefits). Though I must confess to not being particularly au fait with the social security system, convoluted as it is in the country, and if my understanding is incorrect please let me know. Anyway, the point – it’s not free.
Does it treat all acute and chronic illness? Regarding the first, in terms of physical health, in my experience at least – yes. For mental health – hmm. If you’re in the middle of your first psychotic break or are floridly psychotic, then it seems that it’s pretty good. I’m aware of non-psychotic others who’ve had positive…well, non-negative…experiences of acute care too. In my own case, I found my GPs to be very helpful, but unfortunately what tends to happen in an acute mental health crisis is that you are referred to the so-called Crisis Resolution Team.
The CRT are the absolute epitome of wastage (in all possible senses). Unless you are in imminent danger of harming yourself or others, they seem to basically advise you to get some sleep (because that’s so easy when you’re mental) and have a cup of tea (because that cures all conceivable ills).
In terms of chronic care – well, I have heard of some individuals receiving the long-term therapy they require, and furthermore of others being supported in a less intensive sort of way for a number of years, so it can be OK. Unfortunately chronic care, except in the most serious of mental illnesses (and even then in Northern Ireland, as we have no high security units), is based entirely on a postcode lottery – namely, resources in a given Trust.
This is the main systemic flaw, in my view, though of course silly issues of targets and management – as opposed to actual fucking healthcare – are a frustrating pile of bollocks also.
OK…I should probably have made this a post rather than a comment
And I’ve probably gone into way too much (boring) detail. Sorry!
Back to the therapy point – I agree. I’ll find the money somehow; sacrifices are necessary and worth it in the pursuit of some semblance of psychological relief.
Take care Sanity, hugs to you. xxx
[...] a battle to get there) that I don’t think I’d really thought past it. To explain, here, in a blatant rip off of Pandora’s recent post (sorry!) is a summary of the pros and cons of going back into therapy, as my head currently sees [...]