Despite the name of this blog, I don’t think I’ve ever written much about the subject of insomnia. Well, it’s about 2.35am and I am wide-awake, so let me address that issue right now. I know that I could be using this time to write something useful (insofar as the rubbish I write here can ever be useful), but I don’t have the energy. I’m just feeling sorry for myself and want to vent.
One of the greatest things about anti-psychotic medication for me (well, aside from the obvious) has been its soporific effects. For some time, it significantly reduced my (perhaps over-) reliance on Zopiclone – in fact, I still have a few tablets left from a Zopiclone prescription from September, thus indicating how little I’ve taken of that drug in several months. I know that in the case of Quetiapine, though, there is a general reduction in its sedative effects over time. That seemed to have eluded me mostly – a lot of people report this side-effect wearing off after a few weeks, others just over a month. I’ve been taking it since January now, and it’s only in the last two or three weeks that things have begun to change.
If one was not mad to begin with – and of course, I was (am) – then sleep deprivation, chronic insomnia, sleeplessness, whatever you want to call it would surely make you so. Let’s not forget, indeed, that forced insomnia is used as a form of torture. I know some people learn to adapt to life with a significant reduction in the hours they need to sleep, and kudos to them, but even though insomnia has plagued me essentially for years, I can never envisage my getting used to it. I hate it with a burning passion. It’s one of the most horrible knock-on effects of being mental.
It’s that hideous sensation of lying awake in the darkness, eyes firmly fixated on the ceiling as there’s nothing else to view, wanting to move or get up, but fearing that if you do, you will do so just before the delightful escape of slumber would otherwise have arrived. It’s the nasty reality of giving in to the sleeplessness and getting up, only to find that you’re utterly, unbearably alone in the world. It’s looking out the window for some assurance that it’s not just you that is afflicted with this misery, only to be greeted with darkened windows up and down the street, their curtains all smugly drawn, as if sneering right into your face.
Rationally, of course I know there’s an entire community of online insomniacs all available for discussion right now, not to mention the folks across the pond and in other parts of the world who are in their actual waking hours. But insomnia is a paradoxical issue too: the dichotomy with which you are faced is that on the one hand, you’re consumed with the sheer loneliness that the night brings, but on the other, the accompanying exhaustion is so absolute that it seems at best unfeasible and at worst completely impossible to engage socially in any remotely meaningful fashion. And thus you battle on alone.
For any readers that do not follow my Twitter stream, I saw NewVCB on Wednesday and in light of my current problems with fake-Paedo and ‘They’, she has increased the dose of Quetiapine by 100mg (to a daily total of 400mg). Although I hoped and expected that this would have a renewed sedative effect, I was smart enough to request hypnotic medication anyway just in case. Smewhat to my surprise, this request was granted. Result! Hahaha! Up yours, dickhead GP!
Anyway, my instinct was to stockpile the sleepers (Zopiclone, again) for when they were really necessary, rather than to just start taking them with gay abandon right now. To my considerable annoyance, however, it seems like that point of necessity is now. Sleep evades me completely, and has done on nights without Zopiclone for well over a week now. I find myself completely unable to function during the day, and whilst in a sense that doesn’t especially matter what with my being a dolescum and all, it certainly does nothing to assist the maintenance of my precarious sanity.
Besides, another knock-on effect of insomnia is the hold that ‘They’ have over me. Their power – nay, their domination – seems to be worse during these nighttime hours. Perhaps it’s because I am tired beyond tiredness; perhaps it’s because on the face of it there is no one else about at all that can help me fight them. I don’t know. But during the night they’re fighting constantly with me, and if they haven’t yet won the war – well, they’re certainly on the victorious side of the battle.
I took 1/4 of a Zopiclone before I went to bed tonight (last night, technically), but you can see how successful that’s been. I’ve just taken another 1/2 tablet and have every extremity of my body metaphorically crossed that this will actually work. Normally I’m remarkably resistant to medication, and indeed in the past there is no way 3/4 of a tablet would have made me sleep. I’m just hoping that because I’ve been away from Zopiclone for quite a while, and that because it’s now combined with Quetiapine, that I might just get lucky.
But then there’s a trade-off in this too. If it does work, I’ll probably sleep late tomorrow and subsequently be horribly groggy for several hours upon rising. That, much like the hangover effects of insomnia itself, doesn’t do a great deal for one’s mood. I think this way is better, but it’s still far from ideal.
And just to whinge a little more before I sign off: all this bollocks is compounded by the fact that I’ve been sort of unwell for days. I’ve had some rather extreme bouts of nausea, that I initially supposed was psychosomatic, but on reflection I’m fairly sure it’s related to my ongoing IBS. The IBS is playing havoc with my body; I don’t want to be particularly graphic about it, but anyone who has had it will know it’s…changeable. It’s either a famine or a feast, if you get my drift. At the moment, it’s a famine for me (actually, this euphemistic bullshit makes me cringe…but anyway), and I feel all heavy and sluggish and bloated and disgusting. And still nauseous. Eugh.
Right now I am being reminded that I am not alone in being awake at 3.10am – there are several drunken tossers outside who seem to be screaming abuse at each other. Loneliness or not, I think I’ll stick to my own bland company, thank you very much.
Anyway, sorry for whinging and for almost certainly rambling incoherently. In my defence, I am totally shattered and under the influence of conscious-altering medications. I hope, though I will not promise, that something more meaningful will be published here on the morrow (or later today, if you find yourself subscribing to the lure of pedantry).
Good night. I hope.
New Blog Post: Insomnia: http://cli.gs/QXZ2U #borderline #PTSD
RT @serial_insomnia New Blog Post: Insomnia: http://cli.gs/QXZ2U #borderline #PTSD
New Blog Post: Insomnia http://bit.ly/9S8MtB #borderline #PTSD
Insomnia: Despite the name of this blog, I don’t think I’ve ever written much about the subject of insomnia. Well… http://bit.ly/c6Fsmi
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Brilliant account of effects of insomnia RT @magicplum: RT @serial_insomnia New Blog Post: Insomnia: http://cli.gs/QXZ2U #borderline #PTSD
Outstanding post describing the horrors of insomnia RT @serial_insomnia New Blog Post: Insomnia: http://cli.gs/QXZ2U
I generally get sleepy when the sun goes down, but go to bed a few hours later when it is truly dark and not just shadowy.
Nausea + IBS + insomnia = a wrackened night.
Some people say, when they write during sleeping hours, that the truth comes out.
(It usually seems to peak during your teens and early 20s).
Wonder if you read the Times article about the cutting-off of talk therapies?
Verbal Catharsis by Katy Fetters
Emma feels shattered and down with her sleeping pattern
If “They” have a time to talk/monologue during the first hour of the morning, will they promise to leave you alone at night? Or are “They” above such bargaining?
I’m not sure that I read such a piece in The Times specifically, but I have read a couple in various papers recently. It’s particularly interesting given that an initiative called Improved Access to Psychological Therapies has just been unveiled by the health service. The danger, I fear, is that this only applies to the mainland UK.
Not necessarily. The other day I persuaded them that if they wanted me to kill someone, that it would be Paedo, rather than some of the innocents that they might otherwise target. For something less serious, I’m not sure if they’d play ball – but it’s worth asking them to see. Thanks for the suggestion
Thanks, also, for the links – much appreciated as ever!
Take care x
To add:
GPs + sleeping prescriptions = mayhem.
As seen in far too many celebrity deaths (Heath Ledger, Brittany Murphy and Michael Jackson for choice).
I understand this all too well, both the insomnia and the IBS. Zopiclone – so far not a big fan, but my GP did give me an absurdly small dose. I hope you managed to get some sleep, honey. *Hugs*
I definetely agree that sleep is very important for mental health and lack of it can bring about even more problems to add.
Here’s hoping that you are able to get more sleep soon and that your IBS improves.
Take care,
Cassie x
Never any need to apologise as far as I’m concerned, hun *hugs*
RT @Narkyness: Outstanding post describing the horrors of insomnia RT @serial_insomnia New Blog Post: Insomnia: http://cli.gs/QXZ2U
Oh dear. Insomnia is such an irritant. Your mind seems to just take over, right? I’m so sorry. I am
surprised that going up 100 mgbon the Seroquel didn’t
have an effect in this way. Try to rest today. But not sleep. Perhaps of you bite the bullet? Wish I had something constructive, all i can give you is this: (((((you)))))
[...] of a Serial Insomniac talks about, well, insomnia. If one was not mad to begin with – and of course, I was (am) – then sleep deprivation, chronic [...]
I definitely relate to the insomnia. I’ve had it on and off since I was a child, and it certainly does ruin my datyime functioning when it is bad enough. As for meds, I take Zolpidem as needed, but havent’in a few weeks. I try to be very careful, since I used to develop tolerance on benzodiazepines, and, while Zolpidem is not a benzo, it comes close enough.
Same with Zopiclone as I understand it. For a while last year, my GP (the nice one, LGP) allowed me to take it for a fortnight, then made me come off it for a week – a cycle he allowed for quite a while. I have read that Zopiclone is safe for up to two weeks at a time – but then other research conflicts with that.
My current position is to stockpile it, so that when the GPs inevitably refuse to prescribe it in future, I have it to fall back on. But I really try to take it as infrequently as possible, and then I try to take half a tablet (ie. 3.75mg) if at all possible. Like you say about Zolpidem, it’s not ultimately that different from a benzo, and is therefore to be treated with caution and respect.
All the best x
I didn’t know you are/were on those meds as well. Zoplicone & Seroquel. I also didn’t know that Seroquel can lose its effectiveness as a sleep aid over time. Zoplicone is only supposed to be used for short term (at least that was what I was told). Anyways, I’ve taken them together and the first night everything was okay – I didn’t sleep in too bad. But the next night I took 2 pills and slept until 4 pm. Last night was much better. But you can take them together – just don’t be surprised if it takes a few tries to level your sleep out.
I’ve had varying reactions to Zopiclone in the past. The very first time that I was prescribed it – when I was maybe in my late teens or early 20s – it helped me to sleep fairly normally. Fast forward a few years when I was severely stressed at work; I took it on the Thursday night at about 9.30pm, fell asleep about an hour or so later, and didn’t wake up until 4.30pm the next day! Fast forward another year or two and it didn’t work at all. Tried Temazepam – absolutely shite. If anything it increased my insomnia :-S
So to more recently – mostly the Zopiclone works without completely killing me the following day, though the addition of Seroquel more recently has the potential to complicate that greatly. But you’re absolutely right – it’s a drug that’s intended to be used only in the short-term, and to that end I try to be as careful as possible, as I said to Astrid above.
I think as far as Seroquel’s sedation goes, it’s one of those changeable-depending-on-who-you-are side effects. I’ve heard of some people not using it as an anti-psychotic at all, but as a sleeping pill – so it must have long-lasting sedative effects on some people. But as I understand it, for most these effects (at least in their most severe form) are indeed temporary.
Take care x
[...] Insomnia If one was not mad to begin with – and of course, I was (am) – then sleep deprivation, chronic insomnia, sleeplessness, whatever you want to call it would surely make you so. Let’s not forget, indeed, that forced insomnia is used. [...]
Definately can relate to the insomnia sending you crazy. I go through periods of insomnia which are hell to live with. The darkness of the night always makes it seem so much worse when you know most of the rest of the world is asleep and it is just eluding you. As to Zopiclone i find it leaves such a hangover that i don’t know what is worse fortunately the agomelatine that i am on now seems to keep me asleep these days. Glad you got a prescription and the medication you need. Hoping you get some well deserved zzzzzzzzzz’s in the coming days. xx
I’ve generally been fine with it (certainly recently), as noted above. However, I know some people have really nasty side effects with it. One of my Twitter followers had such hideous night terrors when she took it one night that she refuses to even contemplate taking it ever again, and almost had a panic attack when one of her doctors suggested she do so!
When I took it the night I wrote this post, I did have some fairly vivid dreams myself (not nightmares), but it’s probably a coincidence. I have them occasionally anyway, and have not notice their presence proportionate to Zopiclone use in the past.
Take care x
Just wanted to thank you all for your support, empathy and sharing of your own experiences. I’m sorry I’ve been so shit at responding to comments recently – again!
<3 x
Wow, i have to say, you have emotion in your writing. and thats exactly what im looking for,
I have to write a poem about insomnia.. and sense i DONT have insomnia.. i have to use other peoples emotions to write… and i was wondering if you would let me take the idea of staring out ur window wondering if anyone felt the same? i wouldnt word it exactly like yours, just use the idea and i would give you complete credit for it.
I can totally relate to your chronic insomnia frustration. I seem to be on Zopiclone forever, and when they run low and I have difficulty ‘topping up’ in time, I go mental and worry every night at bed time. I’ve tried tapering off, and going on herbal supplement but they don’t seem to work. Recently my GP put me on Atarax (antihistamine) and they wake me up around 4am every night without fail, and give me weird dreams and nightmares. I got afraid and stopped all medication only to get worse. Started hearing noises, developing night terror, cries in bed when I can’t sleep at night trying to find someone [in waking hours] to talk to. I am going crazy!! Not even sure Zopiclone can help again. Anyway arranged to see a shrink on Monday so hoping he can help or do something about it. I’ve moved to my folks home for the time being as I am becoming afraid of my own apartment.
Hey Pandora,
I know this is an old post, but I have been following your blog for some time now and I just wanted to say that I really feel for you. Insomnia sucks!!! I knew it before, but now I am experiencing, it’s past 6AM and I am wade awake, I think I’ve gotten hypomanic, whatever… I’m rambling, but the lack of sleep and these white dots that appear out of nowhere are freaking me out and I wanted to tell you that you’re not alone… or… I’m just tired and lonely and have no one to talk too. Fuck it, don’t post this, keep it as e-mail from a fellow mentalist, that found some comfort in your post!
i feel the same have been takin 2 zopiclone for years now and have just bee prescribed quetiapine as well by cbt tried to get my normal script from docs only to collect and find they have halfed my dose of zops and propanalol without discussion! I feel a panic attack comin on already just thinkin about it. Will let you know what happens. I know i will be awake now all night!