My descent into complete madness continues, ironically – I am convinced – as a result of anti-psychotic medication. I am fairly certain that I am experiencing, and have been experiencing, the phenomenon of akathisia.
It is so difficult – impossible, I believe – to describe this thing of complete awfulness in any coherent or accessible way, but let me try.
I can’t stay still – I am experiencing severe anatomical discomfort, from the very core of my physical being. I keep trying to move to combat it, but it never quite seems to work; the discomfort simply moves, or wasn’t where I thought it was. Breathing is difficult, as if perpetually on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. I am incredibly anxious and am almost completely consumed by a sense of terrified foreboding and/or danger. Even that feels physical, which I know doesn’t make any sense, but I don’t know how else to put it. Concentrating on this post (and anything else) is profoundly difficult. My mind is racing – the pressure inside it again feels physical. It literally feels like it is going to explode and on top of that, I keep feeling ‘zaps’ in my head (and elsewhere at times), a bit like if I had missed a dose of Venlafaxine, only much worse in severity. I want to scream and shout and run around and bang my head off the wall and stab myself and cry. Earlier I considered going to the petrol station, with a view to purchasing flammable liquid to set myself on fire. Extreme perhaps (well…there’s no ‘perhaps’ about it, I suppose), but in a way I cannot explain, even the indescribable agony of burning (normally one of my room-101 style fears) seems preferable to the indescribable somethingness of this.
In a sense this could be described as a mixed episode with anxiety or something. It is a bit like that, I suppose, except that it’s more. So much horribly more. It effects every conceivable part of me; mentally, physically, everything. It burns through me, every vein, every nerve – it feels like much more than a mixed episode (as if they were not unpleasant enough), but in a way that has a very elusive and unobtainable description.
The aforelinked Wikipedia article on akathisia quotes some bloke called Jack Henry Abbot, who describes this horrific state much more eloquently than I have or can:
These drugs, in this family, do not calm or sedate the nerves. They attack. They attack from so deep inside you, you cannot locate the source of the pain … The muscles of your jawbone go berserk, so that you bite the inside of your mouth and your jaw locks and the pain throbs. For hours every day this will occur. Your spinal column stiffens so that you can hardly move your head or your neck and sometimes your back bends like a bow and you cannot stand up. The pain grinds into your fiber … You ache with restlessness, so you feel you have to walk, to pace. And then as soon as you start pacing, the opposite occurs to you; you must sit and rest. Back and forth, up and down you go in pain you cannot locate, in such wretched anxiety you are overwhelmed, because you cannot get relief even in breathing.
(c) Jack Henry Abbott, In the Belly of the Beast, 1981
That about sums it up, and yet it doesn’t, because it can’t be summed up. There are no words of magnitude great enough to describe this, or so it presently feels to me.
I could stop taking the anti-psychotics, but what if ‘They’ start being all volatile again? What if the gnome shows up and turns out to be some sort of manifestation of the evil ‘They’, or some equally belligerent being? I am utterly terrified of what could happen if the hallucinations are allowed to continue to develop, and to that end I am fairly sure that I will just keep taking the tablets – though I may have to raid my stockpiles of Diazepam and Zopiclone to help me from completely losing the plot (as if it wasn’t lost enough!).
It is possible that it will pass (isn’t it?) – 300mg of Quetiapine, whilst not a terribly high dose overall, is quite high for a starting dose. Maybe my body will inure itself to the drug. I do hope so, because this is unbearable.
I’ve been incredibly whingy on this blog of late. I’m sorry. I suck. On the bright side, I might have found myself a group of suitable psychoanalytic therapists to help to try and make me sane when C condemns me to my dubious fate in a few months. But it’s hard to think beyond right now at the minute. I’m sorry.
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Don’t be sorry and you’re not dumb. Med changes are hard. Had akathesia on Abilify. Truly horrible. Perhaps you should call Shrink. We had no akathesia on that stuff even were as high as 1600, yes 1600, at one point. Bu stuff works differently for different people as you know. Please call shrink and tell them about it!
It sounds hideous. I think you should tell C about it, and ask to see a psych ASAP for a medication review. Not all meds are right for all people, and it sounds like the Quetiapine just isn’t right for you. Take care of yourself, and you know where I am if you want to talk. xxx
You don’t suck, hun: it’s what you’re going through that sucks. And hey: if you can’t be whingy on your own blog, well wtf, y’know?
Though I may not post much, I’m reading and thinking of you xx
When did you start the Quetiapine? I’m on it, I started on 200mg but now on 300mg and it has done well for me. Unfortunately we don’t all respond the same way.
I don’t think you suck either. Whinge away, reading whinging can be very helpful to remind us that we are not alone in ‘all this’. You’re helping more than you think, I just hope I can be a help to you.
I do think you need to call someone SI, this isn’t right and it does sound like you’re having a bad reaction to the quetiapine and need it changed. I had something similar, though milder, from haloperidol, and it was foul, I couldn’t sit still but couldn’t bear moving either, nothing felt right and nothing brought relief.
did you just start straight on 300mg? I think usually they increase the dose over a period of several days, I’m sure I just took 25mg the first day.
(And you’re not whinging and you don’t suck)
You’re all wonderful. Thank you.
Slightly calmer today. It’s still there, strongly, but not quite to the all-consuming levels of yesterday. I hope I’m not tempting fate in saying that…
Re: the dose, yes, my understanding is that normal practice is to start on 25mg, and double it each day or two until it reaches the 300mg+ therapeutic dose, so the fact that I started on that higher dose does seem odd to me. It could maybe explain this reaction.
Anyway, folks, thank you all again. I really do appreciate each and every one of you
Much love. xxx
As a person with no medical expertise and who takes no meds whatsoever right now but who has been arsed about by the NHS drugsquad on several occasions I say BOO. This is wrong. Stop it. S.T.O.P… new word..I.T.
Idiots have given you the wrong combo or too much or not enough or you’re having the shittest reaction ever. Go back and go crazy on their ass til they fix it. Oh yes. The drugs suck, you don’t. Honestly sometimes they hand out this shit like sweeties. Grrr.
Don’t worry about the Gnome et al unless he talks to you or interacts directly with your world. That’s my advice on that one.
Hope things get better really soon lovely.
Holy crap the zaps and the rocking back and forth involuntarily separated zyprexa and I for good. Then seroquel hit the road too. I loathe seroquel for too many reasons to list here. The Icarus project has taper info if you ever want to look into it.
Quetiapine did that to me and more. Call NHS 24 and talk to them immediately. They will tell you the safe course of action (go to A&E, get some chlorpromazine). Or go to GP and insist on not being turned away.
Doesn’t Procyclidine help with that? Were you even offered any?
I’ve got an ED blog by the way.
Quetiapine did this to me too. My neighbour thought I was having a stroke. I went to hospital and was given a dose of Procyclidine. Although the paramedic wasn’t impressed he thought I was either drunk or faking it. Zyprexa is OK so far though.
Thanks Louise. I’ve actually just changed from Olanzapine to Quetiapine; the former wasn’t really stopping the voices etc and was putting hideous amounts of weight on me despite the fact I hardly eat! But I think things have calmed down with the Quetiapine thankfully.
Thanks WG, Lill and DeeDee. It comes and goes. I am mostly free of it at the minute, but it does come back. From reading other accounts, this seems abnormal, but it’s better than having it as a constant whatever the case.